I wnt 2 dvorc u

Welcome to all the fans of K-Fed looking for more info on the Brittany/K-fed break up....All three of you.

Seriously...They were giving away tickets to Kevin Federline's concerts. His tour was cut short because of lack of interest.

Next stop for K-Fed? I see a future of bad reality show guest appearances, where that little midget guy from the Austin Powers Movies, pees on K-Fed'd head.

As we head into the second half of the Blue Hippo Fantasy Football Season, it's pretty much a toss up as to who will win this year...Except for Thong Song. Sorry Dave, even the Detroit Lions are better than you.

Prediction this week? Ronnie Rayguns are going down in flames. Just like the Republicans. (Ouch)

Someone spotted Mike walking around in circles on Wednesday mumbling something about .."Haggard wasn't even running!"

MADLIBS TIME

Fill in the Blank

Joe is taking (Person) out to (Noun) (Time of Day). Might we suggest (VERB) in the (Location). Try the (noun) either spicy or (Adjective). Hopefully the (Losing Detroit Professional Football Team) will (Verb).

Today is the 37th anniversary of Sesame Street. Its pretty sad when you are the same age as Sesame Street. The characters have changed a bit since I watched the show.

Bob hasn't aged much.

As a child, didn't you think that Bob the epitome of "nice guy neighbor/uncle"? Now, he looks like one of the guys picked up for soliciting minors on the internet. Speaking of which, there was a COO or CEO that was arrested for soliciting a 5 year old on the internet.

The chief executive of a small Warren-based credit union faces sex and drug charges after Macomb County sheriff's deputies arrested him for allegedly trying to arrange sex with a 5-year-old girl.

FIVE FRAKIN YEARS OLD.

I think Bob actually looks like a gay Owen Wilson.

Now for THE OTHER CHEEK

This Briton is one...Cheeky Bastard:

LONDON - A 22-year-old man suffered internal injuries after lighting a small firecracker he had inserted into his buttocks, paramedics said Thursday.
The incident took place Sunday, when Britain celebrated Bonfire Night, traditionally marked with fireworks to celebrate the Guy Fawkes gunpowder plot to blow up Parliament in the 17th century.

The man suffered burns and other unspecified internal injuries in the incident in Sunderland, 275 miles north of London.

Finally...Our Kessler's Moment.

Tomorrow is Veterans Day. Here's to our Veterans:

Hal -- Veteran of the War in the Gulf(of Mexico) and the Lost Battle for the Threeway.

Mark -- Veteran (still Active) of the War of the "Honestly Jean, I don't just go to West Pointe to drink with the guys. We go to Strip clubs too!"

Alex -- Veteran of the War on Receding Hairlines (He lost this one, but took it as a Man.)

Joe M. -- Veteran of an actual War.

Tale of Two Assholes

Welcome to serfers looking for information on Michigan Gubernatorial Candidates Granholm and DeVos.

Sorry, but I am talking about a Chick with two assholes.

No...not Ann Coulter. I said "Chick".

Forzie the four-legged chicken will cluck no more.

The Te Uku-bred Barnevelder chick - hatched at Marlene Dickey's property at the start of last month - has died.

But it wasn't the extra legs that led to its death, more likely an extra anus, Mrs Dickey believes.
"He developed two bottoms and I think he got glugged up," she said.

While she was surprised by Forzie's death - he weighed a "good pound of butter" and was gaining feathers slowly - it was not totally unexpected, she said.
And it was fun while it lasted.

"He was a bit of a laugh."

Looking ungainly on its extra legs but twice as cute, the bird was an exception to the rule that chickens with defects are not normally born alive.

He was found dead on Friday and is now in the Dickeys' freezer waiting to be stuffed.

I Googled "Two Anus Chick", and along with a picture of Ron Mexico, I got this instead:

Gives another meaning to one of our regular features, "The Other Cheek".

Meanwhile, rumors have been flying that the League's only Canadian Franchise may be relocating to the hills of Kentucky. (Someone cue the music from Deliverance) When asked about the potential move, the Hairy Canuck said that he was looking into outsourcing his team to the Billy Bob's Hot Sister/Wife League. Wahwee WeeWah!

Tomorrow...

The results between the big match up. Yes...I'm talking about Poker Dawgs and the Ronnie Rayguns. Will this be a preview of this year's Blue Hippo Super Bowl?

Till tomorrow...vote early and often.

Vote No on Proposal 3

Welcome all the anti-hunters that support Michigan's Ban on Dove Hunting. So you are going to Vote No on Proposal 3.

OK.

I think that in two years we should petition for a proposal that will allow us to vote to BAN fishing for Brook Trout, Perch and Bluegill.

These fish are not over populated.

There is not sufficient food on one fish for a meal.

Every summer, fishermen catch these small fish and sometimes they swallow the hook. The fish are thrown back into the water and later die.

There is evidence that Catch and Release kills more fish than it saves.

People like to stand on their docks and look at these fish swimming freely in the water. Therefore we should not catch them.

Sometimes hooks fall into the water and rust. Do you REALLY want to go swimming where you could get a rusty hook caught in your foot?

Perch are used to catch bigger fish. Imagine the pain these fish go through.

There are numerous larger fish you can fish for, why catch these small cute species? Nowhere in this proposal are we talking about hunting or other types of fishing.

Fishing is supported by BIG OUTDOORS like out of state companies like Cabelas, Gander Mountain and Bass Pro. None of these stores have their home office in Michigan.

If you vote NO on Proposal 3, then you will HAVE TO VOTE YES to ban these types of fishing when it comes around.

Democrats Is So Stupid

Welcome to Republican Mike, who made the above phrase famous.

Just so our friends in Charlestown can get all the Jokes, I'm posting the picture that Ben was referencing. Also...its just Damn Funny. Nice October Surprise Kerry, you twat.



This is the best the Democrats can do? Yeah it was just a flubbed joke, but holy Hamburgers, this is exactly why the Democratic party is such a mess. Him and Cindy Sheehan.
I'd rather vote for Borat.

A Quickie

Welcome to all web serfers looking for info on Viagra. And if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours, I suggest you don't have sex before heading off to work.

Quick joke.

One day, Justin came came home and was greeted by his wife Jayne dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So Justin tied her up and went fishing.


I'll be here all night. Try the Veal, its very good and please remember to tip your waitress.

Pumpkin Porn

Welcome to all the perverts who use the word Porn in their search engines. What's really scary is that you are actually looking for Pumpkin Porn. What exactly were you going to do with that pumpkin? What do you think, that just because Republicans now think its "trendy" to be pedofiles, all you GOPers can come out of the closet with your sick perversions. Here is a picture of Former Congressman Foley's Pumkin from last year.

Meanwhile, its Halloween. The Night is also known as the Festival of Samhain or Oíche Shamhna to the Irish, Calan Gaeaf to the Welsh, Allantide to the Cornish and Hop-tu-Naa to the Manx.
Halloween is also called Pooky Night in some parts of Ireland.

Pooky Night?

In the state of Utah and throughout the world where members of the Mormon faith reside, Halloween is an occasion when the trunks of cars are decorated and the cars parked at the church where "trick-or-treaters" go from trunk to trunk and there are prizes for those best decorated, a phenomenon known as "trunk-or-treating"

Silly Mormons.

I've been overdosing on Scarey films the past 10 days. Saw FRankenstein at the Old Redford Theatre last Friday. AMC has had its Monsterfest going on. Creature from the Black Lagoon is still a great movie...but I hate the Hellraiser movies.

Best Movie of the Week?

Shaun: As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "I" in meat pie. Meat is the anagram of team... I don't know what he was talking about.

Don't think this is going to become a habit.....

Everything is New Again

You never thought it would happen.

Nearly eight weeks into the Fantasy Football season you had pretty much given up all hope of seeing it happen. Week after week you are disappointed and let down.

But finally, here, in week eight, you got it.

A Win. Congrats Thong Song. You’re as good as the Detroit Lions.

In Other News....

The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission today charged Delphi Corp. and 13 people, including former chairman J.T. Battenberg III, with financial fraud, accusing them of manipulating Delphi’s earnings between 2000 and 2004

Meanwhile, the Blue Hippo League is investigating Delphi employee and Poker Dawgs owner Joe concerning his scores since 2000.

“There’s been definitely some inflation on the Dawg’s part over the years. Why, I’ve even seen some “discrepencies" while measuring the length of Fish caught on the fishing trips,” said Luke SkyAuger’s owner Mark. Mark is also under investigation for inflating fish sizes on Fishing trips.


November is National Reading Month

We are asking team owners around the league what they are reading:

Hal: Fields of Fire by James Webb. It contains an interesting way to greet someone. Brother’s don’t shake..they……um…
Ben Roberts: Sisters by Lynne Cheney. Now we know why her daughter turned out the way she did.
Joe: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Actually, its just the jacket cover. I have a Mad Magazine underneath. He he he…The Black Spy killed the White Spy with an anvil!
Dave: A Series of Unfortunate Events
Scott: Blogging for Dummies
Justin: Inside Job: Unmasking the 9/11 conspiracies by Jim Marrs
Chris: The Rector of Justin: A Novel by Louis Auchincloss. I misread the second word of the title.
Mark E. Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by John Berendt. I KNEW that Transvestite sounded familiar!
Mark A: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. I thought it was about how to catch fish. Better yet, I bought the audio book version.
Brian: The Desperate Housewives Cookbook. I thought there’d be more photos of Eva Longoria in nothing but an apron.

........More later

Glassmaster

Welcome visitors of this blog looking for famed glass blowers living in Murano, Italy.

This entry is about a completely different type of Glassmaster. This one floats, has a fish finder and seats four comfortably.

Say hello to my little friend.



Its as old as I am and more than twice my size (as most people in this world are). It needs a little bit of TLC (as I do from time to time) but it floats (which is something I have a hard time doing) and it finds fish (again, something I have a hard time doing).

Stats:

• 1969 Glassmaster Boat
• 15ft long (but I suspect it might be longer)
• 55 hp / 2 cycle engine
• Electric Start
• Fishfinder
• Two way marine radio
• Two 5 gallon gas tanks
• Four seats (fold down for more room)
• Bilge pump
• Fishing pole holders

Now...Who wants to go Fishing???????

P.S. More good news. Rumor has it that there is an Arrested Development movie in the works, being produced by Ron Howard. This is not to be confused with the porno film A Breasted Development, being produced by Chris. (See the Evatt Blog for updates)

I Would Like to Thank Xenu for Making All This Possible

Welcome to Scientology visitors. Have I a deal for you! In honor of the South Park episode ripping your beloved cult...cough...religion being nominated for an Emmy, I am offering you a special deal on a new "religion".

Scottology.

Its the SAME as Scientology...only cheaper. Send me only $1,000. (that's nearly $99,000 off the Hubbard price!!!!) You get everything that Scientology offers, including a list of really weird names to call your kid. How about Phlem? That one's a freebee just for signing up today.

Plus, you can quit at any time! We won't make you stay in a hotel in Clearwater for days without water and let you be bitten by cockroaches or refuse to take you to the nearest hospital.

Call Now!!!!

Well, well, well.....The Emmy nominations came out yesterday and what comedy series garnered FOUR mentions?

Which at this writing was still cancelled and NOT picked up by Showtime.

• Best Comedy Series
• Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
• Best Writing for a Comedy Series
• Single-Camera Picture Editing for a Comedy

I hope they win at least one statue so they can take it and show it up the arse of FOX Entertainment Executives.

Rovian Conundrum

Welcome to those of you looking for info on possible Karl Rove misdeeds. Sadly we will never see this happen:



Even sadder is the fact that today, I find out that The Wiz Kid himself is a Pike. Yes, THAT Pike. Capital P. Pi Kappa Alpha.

Sigh...

Good news is, Jon Stewart from The Daily Show is a Pike also.

And balance was returned to the world.

Fantasy Football starts again real soon. Saw a FF Magazine in the checkout line of Kroger's the other day. I'm back searching for a QB again. Seems like this ONE position always makes me or breaks me.

First round draft pick this year.

I've got a few more fishing tales up my sleeve till then....

Kesslers from a Groggy, Svepa or Gorsk

Welcome to visitors looking for IKEA brand products. The new store opens in Canton Michigan tomorrow. People have been lining up for DAYS to be first in this store. That’s just crazy…crazy like going to Duke Fest and getting a picture with Lance and Coy Duke, huh Chris?

Anywho…

The two newbies on our Spring Men’s Fishing Trip both caught Fish. Alex landed his first fish ever, a nice fat bluegill and later brought in a small perch, which he proceeded to pet and caress it in a soft, gentle way, whispering soon to be broken promises and uttering failed dreams. After the love-making, Alex tossed the perch overboard. Such is life and love.

Avery, (4 ½) not planning on being outdone by Alex, also landed a nice perch. Here’s a good picture.

Avery's Dad, Hal, did the obligatory shot of Kesslers. We finished off a bit more than a pint of Kessler this year. Not bad, but it could have been better. I have a feeling that we will need a lot more this fall for the trip, which I am hoping that a lot of you can make. I'm looking into a cottage on Houghton Lake...but more on that later in another blog entry.

By the way, Avery has now officially caught more fish than Chris and Gary combined on our fishing trips. He also did a mighty fine job of getting Uncle Scott a beer and being able to pee over the side of the boat, a requirement that Ben has yet to fulfill.

Stopped off in Pinconning on the way up to Gladwin at the famous Pinconning Cheese Factory. You can’t miss it; it has a large mouse in the front. Not to be confused with the Cheese Factory that has a large Cow in the Front. Apparently in Pinconning, Large Mammals and Food products make great Signs. Just don’t forget to avert your eyes as you pass the Pinconning Mountain Oyster Factory.

Picked up some Squeeky Cheese. They’ve taken the best of Cheese Curd, processed it, and made it into something they can charge $5 a pound for. Why is it squeaky? When you find out, make sure everyone is not downwind at the time.

Tomorrow: The Tackle that Time Forgot

Giant Spider Attacks Detroit

Welcome to all visitors suffering from Arachnophobia.

A Giant Spider is loose and Attacking the Renaissance Center in Detroit. What can YOU do to prevent injury or death? Tune into Channel 4 News at 11 for more details...



Meanwhile, have a safe weekend. I'll add more stories and photos from the fishing trip on Monday (if we are all still here by then....)

Of Justin, Bait and Men

Welcome to visitors of this blog looking for info on the star of the Award winning and Funniest Show on TV, Arrested Development. As of this writing, Arrested Development is still Cancelled.

There is an old quote that goes:

"If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles."

Well, Justin must really be concentrating, because he's short one rod and reel.
Here is a Picture of Justin expertly handling a nice Bass he caught up at Lake Lancer.

Unfortunately, as Lord Grey said, "It is our lost fish that I believe stay longest in memory, and seize upon our thoughts whenever we look back on fishing."

Later that morning, as we were preparing to move to another location, a fish took Justin's pole and yanked it over the side of the boat in about 12 feet of water. Not to worry. Joe threw a powder sugar donut hole on the water to mark the spot where the rod and reel is.

Dave hopes to put his deep sea diving skills to the test this summer and look for the rod and reel.

Good news though. Justin got his bait back Here is a sample of what the Killer Lure looked like...except that it was green.

He had earlier caught a fish (or was that later?) on the tried and true for Lake Lancer: the Red Worm (Zoom or Berkely Brand) with a gold bullet head sinker.

Joe takes credit for discovering this one some years ago. It still works well today. Joe caught his monster 20 inch bass on the worm. Here's a picture of it:

Justin caught his Bass on the red worm also. It's a must-have for our tackle boxes now. It even works on Clear Lake. My young nephew Mitch caught the largest fish of his life on a red worm last year. I have pretty good luck with it myself, except when I change things up a bit. More on that tomorrow.

Finally today, I leave you with a group shot from the trip. The very hairy one there is Justin.

NEXT TIME: See the Little Man catch a fish (no...I'm not talking about me)

The Other Cheek

LOST wrapped up its second season last week. I finally saw the first 20 minutes I missed because I was in Iowa. No..I don't think the bird said Hurley's name, unless his name is "Hurrrraaareee!"

Speaking of LOST, I guess the ending to last week's show proves that they are not in Purgatory. Sorry Justin, you lost the "Lost: Guys...Where ARE We" contest. Now, we never mention Purgatory ever again, because you know what happens...

Delphi Strike-Force Leads Weekend

Welcome to all the Auto Supply Workers that are worried about the future of their company. This is from today's Free Press:

Delphi asked federal bankruptcy court to void the Union contracts, allowing the company to cut wages unilaterally. The UAW has threatened to strike if that happens.

There is one good thing. Whoever came up with the marketing idea to put your logo on the Rapala Rattling Lure is a genius. Hopefully his or her job doesn't belong to a resident of India right now.

Joe finished first on the Spring Mens' Fishing Trip by landing 7 fish over the 1 and a half days. Joe took an early morning lead of three fish, two of which were using the Delphi Strike-Force Lure. Here is photo pf Joe with one of his smaller Bass:

Speaking of Bass, we planned on clearing Lake Lancer of its over over-abundant Pike. The Michigan DNR opened Pike Fishing on the lake this year to a No-Size Limit / 5 limit haul.

We scauffed at Justin who wanted to bring up Lasagne. Who wants to eat Lasagne when there will be a large fish fry?!?!?

Try as we might, we didn't land one pike. Joe almost had a Pike (not nearly McCall Rules, but close) but it got away. By the end of Saturday, the left behind lasagne was starting to sound pretty good.

Joe, after a quick leap into first place, then headed toward the largest fish. We didn't put any money on Largest Fish this year, just the most fish.

That's when Joe landed, with the help of the Delphi Strike-Force, a 20 inch, 3.5 lb Bass; beating the old record by about an inch. Joe and Scott had dueling Bass two summers ago: Joe landed a 19 inch Bass on Lake Lancer and Scott landed a 19 inch Bass on Clear Lake. SAME WEEK.

Now Joe was all alone in the Monster Bass category.

"Maybe we should change the betting pool to largest fish," commented Joe, "it give everyone a chance at the money."

Yeah Right. Nice Try. No...we were sticking with most fish.

Here is another vicim of the Strike-Force Lure. I don't think it's Joe's 20-incher though. This one looks a bit smaller. Justin, looking on, is probably wondering why Dow Paint doesn't design a killer lure. Ah well, at least he has a nice new reel for his rod.

By the end of the Morning run on the lake, it was Joe 3 Bass, Scott 2 Bass, Dave 1 Bass, Alex 1 Bluegill and Justin coming up with a surprising 2 Bass. Yes...Justin had two. All by himself. By Breakfast he was in the running.

NEXT: The Ones That Got Away

Also...Please send me your pictures. And help me out with the ten-year timeline. I'm also working on a surprise for the Fall Trip. If it works out, it will be awesome. If not, forget I wrote this.

Your Comments are welcome...

Lost Eyes and Lost Poles

Welcome to our visitors looking for one eyed missing people from Poland.

The Spring Men's Fishing Trip is History. I hope everyone had a good time and we missed those of you who were unable to attend. I think it is a testament to our friendship that these trips have been going on for as long as they have.

I will be working on updating the blog this week with anecdotes and photos from the trip. If you have pictures, please email them to me and I will do my best to put them on the site...along with pictures of the Killer Lures and a Dear Abby letter that I know you will enjoy.

Chris, Mark, Joe M, Colin, Brian, Mike, Ben and Gary (and those of you who made it this Spring)...I hope you will be able to make the Fall Trip this year because...Its the 10th Anniversary of our Mens Fishing Trip.

As of right now, I am looking at Houghton Lake probably the first or second weekend of October. The first weekend of Duck Season opens around that time, so there may be some competition on the water...we'll see. Mark your calendars NOW. It WILL be one of those two weekends. Talk to the Wife. Take the Boss out to Lunch. Ditch the mistress.

I am attempting to do a large recap of all ten years of trips, but I am having a hard time remembering where we went and when. Since we did a few side excursions to fish for Walleye in Lake Erie, Salmon in Lake Michigan or summer trips to Sugar Springs, some of the trips are starting to run together. Before it completely gets lost to memory, I’d like to get them written down for posterity. Any photos you have from those trips, if you can email them, send them to me.

I only started keeping a personal journal of my fishing and hunting trips in the spring of 2002. When we first started our annual get-togethers, we only went fishing in the fall. It was on the second trip to the Pere Marquette that we started going twice a year. If I recall correctly, we went to the PM in the fall, caught nothing (this part I recall vividly), then decided that the Spring Run is much better, only to go there the next year and still not catch anything. The trouble I’m having is, I don’t remember when that was.

Not included on this list is the trip some of us made for Salmon in Lake Michigan, the Walleye trip to Lake Erie or any of the summer Sugar Springs weekends.

Working backwards, these I know for certain because they are written in my journal. So far I have:

2006 Spring Lake Lancer
2005 Fall No Trip (Roberts Bachelor Party)
2005 Spring Houghton Lake
2004 Fall Pere Marquette (4th trip)
2004 Spring Clear Lake
2003 Fall Lake Lancer
2003 Spring Clear Lake
2002 Fall Pere Marquette (3rd Trip)
2002 Spring Au Sable

Here is where it becomes sketchy…

2001 Fall No Trip this Year (I’m fairly certain of this one)
2001 Spring Pere Marquette (2nd Trip?)
2000 Fall Pere Marquette? (1st trip?)
1999 Fall ??????
1998 Fall Clear Lake
1997 Fall Sage Lake? (Or was this in 1998?)
1996 Fall Clear Lake (This I know for certain)

Help me fill in the blanks (along with who went that year).

GONE FISHING

God's Doppler

Silly Me.

I’ve been checking the WeatherChannel.com and our local forecasts all week to see what kind of weather we are going to have for our Spring Fishing Trip.

Seems like I’ve been looking in the wrong places. I guess I should have been talking to the Rev. Pat “Doppler2000”Robertson. The Reverend and part-time meteorologist says God has told him that storms and possibly a tsunami will hit America's coastline this year.

The founder of the Christian Broadcasting Network has told viewers of "The 700 Club" that the revelations came to him during his annual personal prayer retreat in January.

"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms," Robertson said May 8.

Robertson also said to expect Snow this winter and there will a chance of rain today for the Tigers game, so don’t forget your raincoats.

Now, my final predictions for this weekend’s fishing trip. God didn’t tell me these. He’s got more important things to worry about right now, so I didn’t bother Him.

#3 With the Live-well now working on the pontoon boat, it can’t be used because Joe catches a large Walleye that proceeds to eat any fish dropped in the well.

#2 Hal claims to have a large albino Pike on his line, only to discover it's actually a pair of Roberts' underwear.

….And the #1 reason why you should not miss this weekend’s fishing trip: Alex will learn to LOVE Kesslers by the end of the trip.

Mushroom Hunting and Dog Poo

Wonder how many "hits" I will get on this blog from THAT headline?

Welcome to the newest member of the "men's" fishing trip. (It's still males-only, unless Alex has something he'd like to tell us?)

Meet Jake.



Too bad Chris won't be making the trip this year. I'd like to see this dog catch more fish than him.

Jake is going to help us with the Morel hunting for our Pike Fish Fry on Saturday. I suspect that if we leave Jake tied to a popples, maples, or beech tree on Friday evening, after he does his nasty sinful business...Presto! Morels the next morning!

Now...More predicitons for this weekend's Fishing trip...

#6 Scott buys 7 new lures that are "guaranteed" to catch the most, biggest, baddest fish in the lake, but finds the only lure that works all weekend is a red worm with a gold bullet-head sinker.

#5 Planning for a dinner of Pike, the entire boat catches nothing but Catch-N-Release Bass all day. We get a call from Mark who says he heard that chopping up dog chow and frying it tastes very good...

#4 Dave shows everyone where he saw two Bass "getting it on" early in the season, only to discover it was a "Big-ums" magazine that someone dropped in the water during Mike's Bachelor Party.

Final Installment Tomorrow!

Agent Pierce

The TV show 24 has some great lines, but I believe that Secret Service Agent Aaron Pierce delivered the BEST lines in last night's episode.

"Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D." Pierce to President Logan:

"There is nothing that you have said or done that is acceptable to me in the least. You're a traitor to this country and a disgrace to your office, and it's my duty to see that you're brought to justice for what you've done. Is there anything else, Charles?"

As someone wrote in another Blog : He managed to infuse the name Charles with all the venom of calling someone a dog-fucking cocksucker.

If you were keeping track, the "Dammit" count is up to 23, just a bit more than 1 per hours at this point.

Now, more predictions for this weekend's fishing trip...

#8 Avery and Alex battle it out for "Best Newbie" on the trip. After a full day of competition, it goes down to a tie breaker: The Distance Peeing Over the Side of the Boat Contest.

5 year old Avery wins.

#7 Justin, overdosing on cured, dried venison, passes out on top of the cooler shortly after yelling "Hey Scotty Boy! The Jerky Boys are Calling!"

For-Casting

The weather report for this weekend is starting to look promising. The Weather Channel still calls for Rain everyday from now till August, but as you can see below, the local forecast is looking better:

Also, As the Jerkey continues to cure this week, lets look at reasons why you should NOT miss the fishing trip by counting down the top ten predictions for the weekend:

#10 Dave will have the largest fish on his line, almost assuring him the money from the Largest Fish Pot; unfortunately, he claims the McCall rule when the fish only gets to the side of the boat before swimming away.

#9 The McCall Rule is voted out of Largest Fish contention just moments before #10 happens.

Tune in Tomorrow for more...

Just Seven More Days

For those of you still undecided about going up on our Annual Fishing trip, here is a little photo that might inspire you...

Its not from our trips, but it is from the lake and how can you pass up the opportunity to see the big man land another Pike?

The forecast calls for rain over the next seven days. SIX DAYS!!!

Then by some miracle, the clouds are supposed to part and sunshine returns next Saturday.

Keep tuned for further updates.

I say we have Pike for dinner, but its eat your own. Don't catch any Pike, then you starve. Then we will see who the real fishermen are.

Oh...And we will be running down the top ten reasons to not miss the fishing trip. I'll post the first one later today. The Lost Experience is keeping me busy.

Fishing Fever

Our Annual Spring Fishing trip is coming up shortly. Time to clean out the fishing box, count the sinkers and decide which new lure will be the "Miracle Worker" this year. (Sources say that Yellow is the new Red)

To get things started, I found out that their are actual lyrics to the Andy Griffith Show Song.

Well, now, take down your fishin' pole and meet me at The Fishin' Hole,
We may not get a bite all day, but don't you rush away.

What a great place to rest your bones and mighty fine for skippin' stones,
You'll feel fresh as a lemonade, a-settin' in the shade.

Whether it's hot, whether it's cool, oh what a spot for whistlin' like a fool.

What a fine day to take a stroll and wander by The Fishin' Hole,
I can't think of a better way to pass the time o' day.

We'll have no need to call the roll when we get to The Fishin' Hole,
There'll be you, me, and Old Dog Trey, to doodle time away.

If we don't hook a perch or bass, we'll cool our toes in dewy grass,
Or else pull up a weed to chaw, and maybe set and jaw.

Hangin' around, takin' our ease, watchin' that hound a-scratchin' at his fleas.

Come on, take down your fishin' pole and meet me at The Fishin' Hole,
I can't think of a better way to pass the time o' day.

Yeah, you know the tune is stuck in your head now.

One in a Zillion shot. Betchya he can't do it again!

A little something I found on a boring Friday afternoon....

Police Bullet Lands Perfectly In Suspect's Gun Chamber


SEATTLE -- Police fired a bullet directly into one of the chambers of a gun wielded by an angry man as they shot him to death in a confrontation at a bus stop, authorities said.
The man never fired his gun, but the fluke police shot showed he was aiming it, said Deputy Police Chief Clark S. Kimerer.

"Physically, I believe, it is impossible to conclude anything other than the fact that the suspect was pointing a weapon directly at the officers," Kimerer said.

Police said the 18-year-old man became belligerent after a fight with his girlfriend on Tuesday and raised his gun at officers responding to a call from a concerned storekeeper. Authorities said they ordered the man to put his gun down, but he refused.

Officers fired a total of about four shots from their .40-caliber Glock handguns, authorities said. One of their bullets entered one of the chambers of the man's .38-caliber revolver, shoving the bullet inside backwards, said Kimerer.

"I've not seen anything quite like that in my 24 years," Kimerer told the Seattle Post-Intelligencer.

What Precious Metal is YOUR Parachute?

Relax my friends. You now have the easy comfort of knowing that the extra money you are paying at the pump (the highest since Hurricane Katrina {I guess it wasn’t Katrina after all, huh?}) will go toward a good cause.

Those extra cents on the dollar will help this poor unfortunate fellow to finally fix that snaggle tooth that has been plaguing him his whole life.

Who is he? Why that’s retired EXXON Chairman Lee Raymond, who was awarded one of the most generous retirement packages in history, nearly $400 million, including pension, stock options and other perks, such as a $1 million consulting deal, two years of home security, personal security, a car and driver, and use of a corporate jet for professional purposes.

Wonder why he needs the security?????

Take Off!

Finally, in the third part of our Tim Horton’s trilogy, Justin sends in this photo of what he found under a Roll Up The Rim to Win cup.

Nice. Did you win a Took?

Three and Free

I think it was Mark Twain who wrote, “Rather than go fishing on opening day, the man who stays in bed is a loser.”

Maybe those weren’t his exact words, but I think it’s close.

Sorry to say you missed out on a fine morning of fly fishing.

Started the day at 4am at the local Tim Horton’s. What I don’t understand, if it’s a 24 hour store, why don’t they have the donuts this early??? Also, I learned that all you need is one large coffee to fill a thermos. One Tall and two Mediums is a bit much.

But three seems like it was my lucky number this past Saturday.

First, I got up around 3:30am.

Then after buying three coffees, it was off to Stockerfest.

I arrived at the Huron River in Wixom to find only a few other cars in the parking lot. They must not have stopped for coffee. In the early morning darkness I did my best imitation of a deer walking through an underbrush, deep in a bog. Either the Big Muddy wasn’t that bad this year, or I am just getting good at finding my way around.

When I finally reached my spot, I came to the conclusion that I got there a bit too early by the fact I couldn't see the fly at the end of my line. So I stood around for about 20 minutes and watch what looked like a river otter swim past me.

However, as soon as it got brighter out the river filled very quickly with fishermen, so I was lucky to get a good spot when I did. Its just down from where you and I were Justin.

I met John, who was to the left of me, last year on opening day. He was back again in the smae spot. He’s been fishing the same day for 14 years. This one is my 4th. He has a couple of friends who come as far away as Traverse City to fish with him.

While the river was a bit dark, the water was lower than I expected. I pulled out one of the three royal coachman flies I tied the night before.

Over the next four hours, I caught three nice trout (One large Rainbow and two Browns). Lost about twice as many. Well, the copious amounts of java started kicking in and the wind picked up so I headed for home, leaving numerous flies on the tall branchless scrag of a tree that was behind me.

As I got back to my truck, I decided to Roll up the Rims on my Tim Horton’s Coffee cups, and to my surprise, one of the three was a winner. Finally, a free cup of coffee.

On the way home I redeemed my free coffee coupon and looked back on a fine morning of fishing. Halfway home I noticed my cup was leaking.



The Other Cheek


Dr. Gary Says……

If you awake at two minutes and three seconds after 1 a.m. Wednesday, note that the clock and the calendar together will make it 01:02:03 04/05/06. Count on it.



Good News for Dave, our small bladder’d buddy….

Researchers said yesterday that they have grown complete urinary bladders in a laboratory and transplanted them into patients, improving their health and achieving a Holy Grail of medicine: the first cultivation of working replacements for failing solid organs in people.

The "neo-bladders," each one grown in a small laboratory container from a pinch of a patient's own cells, have been working in seven young patients for an average of almost four years, according to a report released yesterday by the British journal the Lancet. The organs have remained free of the many complications that bedevil the conventional practice of surgically constructing bladders from other tissues.

If ongoing studies continue apace, the researchers said, they hope someday to offer patients more than a dozen other homegrown organs, including blood-vessel complexes, partial kidneys and perhaps hearts.

1 + 1 = Coffee and a Cruller?

So the other day, having nothing better to do during an early morning staff meeting that was endlessly dragging all attendees to that tenth circle of Hell, I started reading the side of my Tim Horton's coffee cup. Once again, the Canadian Coffee Maker has their "Roll up the Rim to Win" promotion going on. I never win. I buy my coffee and roll the win only to be told time and time again to "Play Again". All I ever win from Tim Horton's is a leaky cup that I don't notice until I am about halfway down Michigan Avenue on my way to work.

So in the conference room, as someone is talking about Synergy and Shared Mission, Shared Success, I rrrolled up my rim only to find that yet again, I won nothing.

But what if I did win?

As a United States Citizen, I would just turn in my cup for one of many fabulous prizes, like one of more than 27 MILLION donuts or cups of coffee.

But, lets just say I am like my dear friend Justin, a resident of the great Maple Leaf Land of Plenty. In order to claim his prize, he has to answer a Skill-testing question.

Let me repeat. A Skill-testing question.

In order for you to get your free cup of coffee, in Canada, you have to know the answer to...

A MATH QUESTION!

The Skill Question of Canada Act even has a section on Wikipedia:

The combined effect of Sections 197 to 206 of the Canadian Criminal Code bans for-profit gaming or betting, with exceptions made for provincial lotteries, and licensed casinos and charity events. Many stores, radio stations, and other groups still wish to hold contests to encourage more purchases or increase consumer interest.

These organizations take advantage of the fact that the law does allow prizes to be given for games of skill, or mixed games of skill and chance. In order to make the chance-based contests legal, such games generally have mathematical skill-testing questions incorporated.
The most common form that these questions take is as an arithmetic exercise.

A court decision ruled that these must contain at least three operations to actually be skill testing; for example, a common question might be "(2 × 4) + (10 × 3)"

The Answer, by the way, is 38.

What other types of MATH questions do they use? How about this one:

A convoy of trucks loaded with Trash leaves Toronto at 7am. It travels east and reaches the Sarnia/Port Huron Bridge at 12:15. Taking into effect strict border security, at what time does this load of trash get dumped in a landfill on the American Side? What percentage of that trash is made up of losing Tim Horton's coffee cups?

Answer Correctly and you just may win!

(This column published in French by clicking on BabelFish)

The Other Cheek

Sometimes I lose track of time. It often escapes me.

The opening day of Trout season (Fly Only) is this Saturday. Its going to be 50 degrees and partly sunny. Thats about 40 degrees warmer than when Justin and I went two years ago. The sun still comes up at the same time though. The question you have to ask yourself is: Do I want to stay in bed or do I want to wet my pole. Uh...

Finally earned my GOLD Card at Dave and Buster's last night. It only took me ten years to do so. Thats about nine years longer than it took Hal and Okie to earn their Gold Card. Of course they also earned enough tickets to buy the night vision goggles. Is Okie still mad at us? Does he still know why? Maybe he needs to start reading the Hippo's Ass.

Years ago I remember countless arguments in homeroom about who was the best rock guitarist. Most thoght it was one man: Eddie Van Halen was a Rock God. May still be, but gods usually don't age this badly. Now I know why Valerie Bertinelli left him.

Speaking of Rock legends....If you were accused of shooting your girlfriend/bedpartner with a shot gun, the last thing you want to look like in court is an ad for the Science Center Static Ball of Energy. Phil...its over man.

Every year I plop down my money and fillout my brackets during March Madness. Every year I know next to nothing about the teams that are playing. Every year I get my hopes up and make a run for the pot of money. Every year I lose. Stupid UCONN. Stupid TEXAS. Stupid MEMPHIS.

Because it was featured on LOST, I read, Watership Down, A Wrinkle in Time, The Third Policeman, and Lancelot. I draw the line at Judy Blume. Hello God? Its me Scott. Please make the LOST producers follow the 24 model of how to successfully run a show in primetime. Three weeks seems like a long time between new episodes.

I remember Tom Cruise in TAPS. Crazy guy in the end screaming, "Its Fucking beautiful, Man!" Back then I never liked him in the movies. Never liked his acting. As the years went by I warmed to his cockyness on the screen but never to the point of accepting him as talented. Now, what has it been, 20 years? 23 years? I still don't like him. Now more than ever. He's still a guy screaming. It IS fun watching him implode though.

Went looking at an iPod today. It holds 7,500 songs. That's more than 650 albums. Approximately 30,000 minutes of music. If you played every song without repeating, 24 hours a day, it would take you 20 days to hear every song.

I pulled out an old Springsteen album the other day. Yes I said album. The Wild, the Innocent and the E-Street Shuffle. I haven't played this record in about 15 years.

Battlestar Galactica rocks. Just finished watching the first season. Trying to find am inexpensive used copy of Season 2.0 on eBay. Years ago I remember watching the original series. I remember building the models of the Cylon fighters; collecting the bubblegum trading cards; reading the comic book; wishing for the toys at Christmas. It seemed like that show was on for years.

The Original series was only on for one year.

This year will mark ten years of the Fall Fishing Trip. Joe M.'s fishing pole is still sitting on the bottom of Clear Lake. Time escapes me.

Hippo's Ass Gets a (Lost) Clue?

Well once again this week, there is no new LOST on ABC. Actually, there is no new LOST anywhere. As much as I like the ride the show takes us on, I am often frustrated with the constant waiting in line for the next episode. Here's a tip Mr. LOST Producer, I am willing to wait 8 months for a new season, if you only just copy 24's formula and show a season without any breaks.

So, to bide my time, I cruised over to Evatt's Blog (link on the left) but his big boobathon continues...Now I like boobs, but come on! He's just Phishing for hit on his site. Anyone can put a picture of a big boob on their site just to get people to log on. Why, someone could write BIG BOOBS BIG BOOBS BIG BOOBS BIG BOOBS BOOBS BIG BOGS over and over again, but what fun would that be. Besides, I might misspell Boob and attract people who like large swampy areas that stink.

Then I went over to Joe's Blog and quickly came back here. He's had the same picture of the iron grater toilet paper since last year. Rumor has it he forgot the name of his own blog. Yeah, lots of traffic over there. At the risk of sounding like a hypocrite, I will move on...

Back to Lost... I found a used copy of LANCELOT by Walker Percy at the King Book Shop in Ferndale. You will remember that this was the book Sawyer was reading on the beach.

The Clue?

Inside the front cover, just before the chapter is a quote from a book of Dante's Divine Comedy...wait for it...Its not Inferno. Yup, its from Purgatorio. Here is the quote and judge for yourself:

He sank so low that all means
for his salvation were gone,
except showing him the lost people.
For this I visited the region of the dead...

Now...Go read Dostoevsky The Brother's Karamazov and report back here next week.

On Thursday, The Hippo's Ass will show you how to get your news story to pop up on Hal's News updater. And...we reveal the name of Hal's Boss. Here is a hint: Volvo. (No its not Mulva)

The Hippo's Ass will also go out on a limb and pick the second seed from the West to win the Big Dance. The HA doesn't actually know which team this is, but I got a good feeling.

And, we expect a lot of good stories and photos from the gang headed to Chicago for St. Patricks Day.

A Kesslers Moment

I know...I know. We aren't allowed to poke fun at President Bush. He's off limits these days or we run the risk of being called traitors by FOXNEWS.

We can't make fun of him.

We can't hold a mock impeachment trial for him (sorry Dave, there goes your lesson plan for next week).

We can't compare him to Hitler.

But the guy makes it so damn easy! I mean, C'mon Rove, get a handle on your corporate media for heaven's sake. You think Clinton's handlers would have allowed rampid jokes about him to float across the internet and awkward photos to be passed around?

Like, take this photo of President Bush for instance...Its a Kessler's moment if I every saw one.

Speaking of lesson plans, The HA has obtained an exclusive audio tape of one of Dave's classroom lessons. Seems like somebody in the back of the class has been secretly taping Dave and wanted to submit it to FOXNEWS, but the HA offered him a good deal and we got the tape first. Look for this HOT transcript soon on the Hippo's Ass

The Sisterhood of Hal's Traveling Pants

Seems like EVERYONE today wants to know what happened to Hal’s Pants.

Ok, Here is the Scoop. On the way to Toronto, Hal and Tony decided to not wear their good clothes so they could be more “comfortable” in the car. Scott wore his. Three hours into the trip they stop at a Holiday Inn Express because Tony has a Preferred Member card or a Coupon for a free Danish, I can’t remember. Anyway, they go into the bathroom to change while Scott waits in the lobby to read the Globe and Mail about how the Toronto Subway System is going broke because they are giving Naked guys free transfers. I kid you not. Ok…I kid you about the Naked part, but the free transfers is just killing the system. You see, when you have X amount of riders and it costs M to pay for the system…what? Oh yeah…It’s George Bush’s Fault.

Back to the story…At somepoint Hal realizes that his suit pants are nowhere to be seen. To make a long story short, Hal goes to WallMart and buys a cheap pair of pants, and forgets to claim said pants when coming back across the border. He recieves a letter from Dick Cheney warning that Serious Consequentence will occur if Hal Doesn’t pay Duty and includes an invitation to go quail hunting.

Seems like that would be the end of the story…but its not. What happened to Hal’s original pair of pants you may ask… Luckily, the folks down at Random House have published a cute touching story about the journey of Hal’s Pants, called, The Sisterhood of Hal’s Traveling Pants. Here is my review:

They were just a soft, ordinary pair of thrift-shop suit pants that belonged to Hal until the four girls took turns trying them on--four girls, that is, who are close friends, about to be parted for the summer, with very different sizes and builds, not to mention backgrounds and personalities. Yet Hal’s pants settle on each girl's hips perfectly, making her look sexy and long-legged and feel confident as a teenager can feel. "These are magical Hal Pants!" they realize, and so they make a pact to share them equally, to mail them back and forth over the summer from wherever they are. Beautiful, distant Lena is going to Greece to be with her grandparents and worship at the Pagan temple of Apollo; strong, athletic Bridget is off to lesbian soccer camp in Baja, California; hot-tempered Carmen plans to have her divorced (Step?)father all to herself in South Carolina (nudge nudge wink wink); and Tibby the rebel will be left at home to slave for minimum wage at Wallman's. (Name changed from WallMART due to threats from underpaid Mexican workers without health insurance becoming jealous of Tibby’s high paying job)

Over the summer Hal’s Pants come to represent the support of the sisterhood, but they also lead each girl into bruising and ultimately healing confrontations with love and courage, dying and forgiveness. Like Hal’s Pants, the reader bounces back and forth among the four unfolding adventures, and the mélange is spiced with letters and witty quotes that speak over the readers heads and only elite Hollywood types will understand and explain to us in a feature length film that will cut out most of the story and leave us with just sex scenes with Halle Berry as Bridget.

Two Stars.

Newbie Joins Fishing Trip

Alex,
Since you plan on attending our Annual Spring Fishing Trip, you need a primer to bring you up to speed. As a newbie, you will be tested on this before the trip:

• When Justin says pull my finger, he means it. Remember your laws of physics: for every action there is a reaction.
• Cheap Beer is a given. Papst, Old Milwaukee, Busch is cool...nothing over Bud Light (unless you are Mark and then you bring Martinis. Don't EVER buy Red White and Blue beer, unless you feel like throwing it at a tree.
• One of these three things (but not all) will happen to Joe V. on the trip: 1 - He will catch the biggest fish 2-He will catch the most fish 3 He will fall into the water
• Bring a fishing pole or else you end up arguing with Roberts about the Meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything.
• If you need a fishing pole, there is one at the bottom of Clear Lake that belongs to Joey M.
• Walking home from the Bar does NOT guarentee your will not be pulled over by the police.
• Watch out for small woodland Creatures. They sometimes lodge in your throat.
• If you want to catch a fish, you have to put your bait inthe water. Letting it dangle over the edge of the boat, five inches above the water line does not work.
• Kessler's Kills the HIV. Its a Fact. It also cures hang overs, hang nails and mother-in-laws that hang around too long.
• You will learn to love Kesslers.
• One of these things usually happen to Chris on a fishing trip: 1 -He will not catch a fish 2 - He will not catch a fish - 3 He will not catch a fish.
• Its bad Karma to pee on the concreate oblisk in the middle of the Pere Marquette State Forest.
• Fear the Okie Bitch Project
• Old people don't notice when someone pounds on their door, rings their copper bells or shine flashlights into their cottage. However, telephones do wake them up.
• Making Martinis on the small island is probably not the best way to fish.

This weekend, Dr. Gary answers your questions on Prostate Cancer, and we take a look at tonights loser on American Idol and get Joey VanIdols reaction.

Seacrest OUT!

Is there a War on Paczki Day?

For generations, Polish peoples have prepared for the beginning of Lent by celebrating Fat Tuesday and cleaning out the pantries to make Paczkis. This day was special and was only celebrated one day out of the year.

Then the tide turned.

This year, weeks before Fat Tuesday, secular stores like Farmer Jacks, Krogers and even foreign socialist coffee shops like Tim Hortons began selling the lard laden treats.

Has this taken away from the significance of Fat Tuesday? When did it become Fat Monday? Or for that matter…Fat February? The Left leaning mass media has gotten into the act by proclaiming that “Everyone is Polish on Paczki Day!”

How would this go over if “Everyone is Jewish on Hannukha” or Everyone is Brazillian on Festa de Nossa Senhora dos Navegantes Porto Allegre Day”. Maybe we should expand it to “Everyone’s Dead on the Feast of the Dead Day.” Not a pretty picture is it? (Look what this trend did to St. Patrick’s Day. Now it’s just an excuse for Michigan males to go get drunk in Chicago and hit on heavy women)

Justin sees this whole commercialization of Holidays as a evil Zionist and PNAC plot. "Its all Bush's Fault", said Justin.

I began to suspect that something might be amiss when places like Dunkin Donuts were selling regular donuts and calling them Paczkis. My suspicions were confirmed when I went there this morning on a fact finding mission and my “Paczki” looked suspiciously like a cruller.

Next year, lets all put the Tuesday back into Fat Tuesday and Paczki Day.

Is this thing still on?

Worst season of the Hippo's Ass EVER!

Ah well. LOST is in repeats AGAIN this week so I guess I have some time to write a bit. I will make a serious attempt to update this bloc every Tuesday and Thursday. Maybe on Sunday (but don't count on it.) I am starting another BLOG very shortly. Look for The Motown Tea Party to be up and running by March 1st if not sooner.

Who won the Blue Hippo League this year? I lost interest in the third week when my team decided to quit. Looks like our friend J-Man will have some issues if he tries to log on to the Internet in Canada. Seems like the a college campus has declared Wi-Fi to be dangerous to ones health. That and the alien transmissions from Mars that are being bounced off the CN tower.

A Canadian university has limited Wi-Fi networks on campus, not out of information security concerns, but because the long-term safety of the technology is "unproven".
Fred Gilbert, president of Canada's Lakehead University, made the order on the basis of possible health risk from the technology, especially to young people. Inconclusive studies into possible links between radio transmissions and leukemia and brain tumors from, among others, scientists for the California Public Utilities Commission, led Gilbert to make the "precautionary ban".

"All IÂ’m saying is while the juryÂ’s out on this one, IÂ’m not going to put in place what is potential chronic exposure for our students. Admittedly thatÂ’s highest around the locations of the antenna sites and the wireless hot spots, but those are the places people tend to gravitate to because they get the best reception," Gilbert said, Canadian technology website IT Business reports.

The J-Man is looking for a job...San Francisco has one for him.

San Francisco, a leader in urban recycling, is preparing to enlist its canine population for a first in the United States: converting dog poop into energy.

Dog feces could be scooped into a methane digester, a device that uses bugs and microorganisms to gobble up the material and emit methane, which would be trapped and burned to power a turbine to make electricity or to heat homes. Dogs and cats in the United States produce about 10 million tons of waste a year, Will Brinton, an environmental scientist and owner-director of Woods End Laboratories in Maine, said.

Mark is headed to the hot-bed of Al Queda terror soon: West Point. I did a little research on this Front in the War on Terror. So imagine my surprise when I was able to finally purchase a DVD of Mad Magazine Presents: Up the Academy!
This comical (sic) look at military academies gave us such memorable lines like:

• Hot Beef Injection
• the pick up line"Tickle your ass with a feather?"
• or "Be a billow of smoke...blowing across the moors
• and even this funny exchange:

Leisman: What did I tell you I'd do if I ever caught you stealing again?

Hash: You said you'd rip my balls off, sir.

Leisman: Say it again!

Hash: You said you'd rip my balls off, sir.

Leisman: Say it again!

Hash: You said you'd rip my balls off, sir.

It also stars a very young Ralph Macchio. Is Ralph Macchio ever anything but young?

'Nuff for now dear reader. Just remember: Guns don't kill people, Vice Presidents do.