Thursday, October 20, 2005

Super Lucky Crazy Monkey #8 Presents!

This Week’s Picks,

This week we feature two guest game pickers: Our own Ranchie (The secret identity of the Ronnie Rayguns owner) and the King of Calypso, the man "the Man" is trying to hold back, Looney Louis himself.

Super Lucky Crazy Monkey #8 says, the Hippo’s Ass can not be held liable for what these two predict or the words we have put in the mouth of both Ranchie or Louis F:

First Game Dirty Diapers vs Poker Dawgs

Ranchie: Dawgs are licking their wound. No healthy QB and no Moss equals a scary week to be a gambling pooch. Prediction: Diapers win in a blow out; 125-85.

Louis: I had a vision-like experience climbing a mountain, on the top of which is a temple to the Mexo-American Christ figure, Ketso Quato. And one of these little UFOs came over that mountain and I was signaled from a group of persons to come. And I was beamed up into that small vehicle and carried to a larger vehicle, where I heard the voice of my leader and teacher, the Honorable Elijah Mohammed, saying these words to me: Dawgs by 2

Ronnie Ray Guns versus Thong Song.

Ranchie: With Alexander the Great on a bye week and a humbled Culpepper, Thong will likely be singing a sad song this week. Prediction: RayGuns take the season series from TS; 112-102.

Louis: 6,000 years ago, an evil scientist named Yacob, a black scientist, created the white man, therefore Culpepper will be victorious. Thong Song by 7

Super Bowel Movement versus Darth Portnoy's Revenge.

Ranchie Is this the week that DPR notches his first win? Not this week. Sorry. Prediction: SBM wins 80-22.

Louis: The demise of the once great team of Darth Portnoy’s Revenge is one that can be blamed on the government. THEY injured DPR’s players, THEY made him miss a bye week lineup, THEY blew up the levees, now the levees are dry. An you think those good ol’boys drinking whiskey and rye are saying this will be the day they’ll die? Hell no! This is the day SBM dies! DPR in their first win.

The Luke Sky Augers versus Loonies on the Grass

Ranchie: Peyton and Harrison hook up for 7 TDs this week. The commish rewards each touchdown with a bonus point for being a new NFL record. LSA still tries to find the force. Prediction: Loonies roll 104-77

Louis: Luke Sky Augers is almost like a UFO thing. I like that. Luke’s Father was really James Earl Jones. Sky Augers by 14.

UPSET OF THE WEEK: Pigs in Training versus Beastie Tool of Rage.

Ranchie: PIT owner Brian is still distracted by his love/hate relationship with his best man. "He beats me like Ike on Tina, yet plans one heck of a Stag Party?!" Prediction: BTR makes a move for 500; 97-93.

Louis: Why did the Pig cross the road you ask? The road, you see, represents the black man. The Pig "crossed" the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. What does this have to do with this game? The Hell if I know! I don’t like the Pigs! RAGE my brothers, RAGE!!!

Refrigerator Magnet Item of the Week:

This item comes from a reader in Oklahoma who writes:

Next Week!

Super Lucky Crazy Monkey #8 takes a few days off (maybe) to do his part against the forthcoming super-ultra-pandemic (New and Improved!) avian flu. Tune in next week as the bird carcus count rises...

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

MWOw/LT Seeks WR for Fantasy Play

Married White Owner with Losing Team seeks Wide Reciever for his Fantasy Team. Must be a top ranked player. No Illness!

I have Two good Athletic gentlemen to offer you. Wanna Trade?

Serious Inquiries Only!! No weirdos or Photos. Discretion assured. NO THREEWAYS!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The Harsh Reality Must Be Setting In

Its not been two days since I, Super Lucky Crazy Monkey #8 took control of the Hippo's Ass and already we have someone beating down our doors trying to get an article published.

Super Lucky Crazy Moneky #8 says this is all going according to plan. The former editor of the HA, a man I like to call Scott Trotsky said that the day someone submitted an article to the HA would be the day monkeys fly outta his ass. Well Comrades, the day is almost here. Super Lucky Crazy Monkey #8 sees a future bright with submissions submitted to force this monkey into submission.

A Very Special Guest was supposed to be here today to make his picks of this week's losers, but he's tied up at the moment trying to prove "The Man" blew up the levees in New Orleans. So Super Lucky Crazy Monkey #8 is going to put off our Calypso friend till tomorrow.

Meanwhile... back at the Ranch.

A Kessler's Moment

$500 for Playoff Tickets
$11.50 for two Hotdogs and coke
$7 for souvenir “We’re # 1!” foam finger
Slipping your octogenarian wife some tongue while the whole world watches and not caring because you were once President of the United States. Priceless

Adding Insult to Injury

Loonies in the Grass owner Hal, is no longer scratching his head wondering if he made the right move to keep both Harrison and Mannin this year. The duo earned an NFL record 86 touchdown passes, breaking the mark set by San Francisco's Steve Young and Jerry Rice. Indianapolis won the game, 45-28.

Afterward, Harrison handed the ball to Manning who trotted to the sideline with it before the two perennial Pro Bowl selections debated how to slice it up.
"He had it, he gave it to me, I gave it back to him and he gave it back to me," Manning said. "We're going to try to cut it in half, that's the way it should be."

And Finally...

Super Lucky Crazy Moneky #8 says, "As if the world isn't crazy enough...

David Copperfield says he plans to impregnate a girl on stage - without even touching her.
Speaking to German magazine Galore, the illusionist rejected the theory that there were only seven different kinds of magic tricks.
He said: "Bull s**t! There is a great deal of new territory to conquer. In my next show I'm going to make a girl pregnant on stage."
He added: "Naturally it will be without sex. Everyone will be happy about it, but I'm not telling you any more."
The magician is currently on tour in Germany with his show, An Intimate Evening of Grand Illusion.

Meanwhile, God issued a press release stating "Been there, done that!"

Finally Part II

This week's LOST is the last one for two weeks. Point to Ponder. Is Hurley's Boss and Locke's boss ONE IN THE SAME?!?!?!? Super Lucky Crazy Moneky #8 wonders if Monkeys will be featured on the show soon....

Monday, October 17, 2005

Enough is Enough!

Super Lucky Crazy Monkey #8 says…

What is with the Hippo’s Ass Blog? No updates for more than a week? Super Lucky Crazy Monkey #8 says enough! I have taken control of the HA Blog and will bend it to my will. HA HA!!

Can you really trust a guy with an 0 – 6 record. C’mon really? Super Lucky Crazy Monkey #8 says No! Can a person come back after posting at least 5 loses? I don’t think so. That’s’ like Sylvester Stalone coming back for a 6th Rocky movie. Its just doesn’t happen.

Meanwhile, the once Mediocre Darth Portnoy’s Revenge filed for Bankruptcy this week, just a few days after announcing lucrative bonuses for its upper management. But Magangement does have its supporters, as this Free Press Letter writer opines:

I am sick of listening to people complain about how much people in Delphi’s management make. They are paid salaries comparable to others at their level. Someone who makes $27 an hour to turn a screw is way overpaid and is leading to the destruction of the auto industry. Other manual laborers make nothing close to $27 an hour. The sooner more auto companies -- i.e., GM and Ford -- file for bankruptcy and reduce labor costs, the sooner Michigan's economy can begin to heal. (Actual Letter)

Signed, An Ayn Rand Groupie (My wording)

Ah those poor rich bastards. How will they ever afford to park Valet at Sommerset Mall when they go have cocktails and dinner at the Capital Grille. Yes, its a MALL! Not a "Collection". Super Lucky Crazy Monkey #8 says Let them eat Cake!

So, looking back at this year’s draft, was it wrong for the Team Owner Scott to draft not one, but THREE former teammates from his last year’s team? Plus he made his first pick of a Lions player. Cronyism? Unluckyness? Just pure stupidity? Scott should be promoted to picking a Supreme Court Justice. He’s as qualified as the rest.

Pigs in Training?

Super Lucky Crazy Monkey #8 has obtained photos of the training camp for Pigs in a Blanket Team Owner Brian.

Yes that's a man in a large pink pig boat.

Yes, this is going on the refrigerator. Super Lucky Crazy Monkey #8 says that joke will never grow old. In fact, Super Lucky Crazy Monkey #8 says he will market reminder magnets for all occasions:
  • Remember to turn the iron off magnet?
  • Remember to set your team line-up magnet?
  • Remember to take your birth-control pill magnet?
  • Remember to spay and neuter your cat or dog or child magnet?
  • Remember to hire Halliburton for all your big budget needs magnet? (SLCM#8 already sold this one...)


Super Lucky Crazy Monkey #8 will reveal his suprise guest to pick nexts week's losers! Hint: He was abducted by aliens, used to sing Calypso and wears a bow tie. Stumped? Super Lucky Crazy Monkey #8 says tune in tomorrow, bastards, for the answer!!!