Friday, August 26, 2005

Friday, August 26, 2005 VOl 6 Issue 1

Special Pre-Draft Edition
Stalemate Stalls! Draft Date Decided!

The Blue Hippo Fantasy Football League has reached an agreement, finally, as to the when and where the Draft will be held this year.

The Draft will be held on Saturday, August 27th at 5pm at the home of DPR owner, Scott T.

The crisis arose when last year's Commish, Ben M., threatened to withhold cash rewards from last season until a new commish, and a date and place for this year's draft were chosen.

However, a source close to the Hippo's Ass has stated that Ben M. didn't have the money and spent it all on his addiction to Taco Bell's new Crunchwrap Supreme.

"Ben called me one night and started ranting how something was quote "good to go" when asked about last year's money", said the secret source who refused to be named on the fear of retaliation.

A memo from Detroit Mag Lite's Director of Information, Carl Rove stated that, "Mike R better shut his trap about last year's Commish." Mag Lite owner Brian denied his staff was involved in a money for police protection scam and also denied that police officers escorted last year's Commish around in a brand new Ford Taurus.

In other related new, all it took was a smirk from Hal to get elected as this year's BHFFL Commish. When asked about his "quiet" non-campaign for Commish, Hal said "Quote me as saying I was misquoted".

Meanwhile, The Beastie Tool of Rage accepted a offer from another state to move thier franchise to the east Coast. "Fantasy Football is big here in South Carolina" said team owner Mark E. "I thought he moved to North Carolina" said Loonies on the Grass owner Hal. Mark E. replied, "North Carolina, South Carolina, Nevada, its all pretty much the same here on the coast."

Ronnie Rayguns owner Ben came under fire recently when it was learned that he cried like a littel baby after reading the new Harry Potter book. The Six Sigma Black Belt quickly replied to the stinging tabloid story:

"I was reading the last chapter with my wife, and for pretty much the entire hour I was welling up, fighting it off. At one point she noticed and said it was ok to let it out, it's ok for men to cry. So when she brought me a sandwich with mayo (I'm allergic) I punched her in the stomach and choked her a little, thus re-establishing my manhood."

Bridge Hits the Mark

Duckett's Charge owner Mark A. stated last week that he is considering changing his team's name to the Grosse Ille Trolls.

"Trolls live under a bridge, and soon so shall I" said the disgruntled property owner.

A large multi lane super bridge to and from Canada will be built directly over his home. "The number 8 pier will be situated directly in the middle of our living room", said Mark.

Some are pleased with the new plans, Yaks owner Justin R. stated that he is currently negotiating with Mark to place a large trash bin on the roof of the house. "I'm hoping to soon have a place to throw my empty Tim Horton's coffee cups as I cross the bridge", said Justin.


Dear Dr. Gary,

Now that I am a father and my boy is quickly growing to be a man, I am concerned that he may not be playing for the right team if you know what I mean. What I'm trying to ask, is, Is My Child Becomming a Homosexual?

Signed, A BHFFL Dad who asked that his name be withheld,

Dear Dad,

Now that many of you are multiplying at the rate of Rabbits, this particular article is funny, useful AND TRUE!. Feel free to clip and post on your refrigerator using Brian's handy Save-The-Date-Magnet. It comes from the Focus on the Family Website.

It’s not uncommon for children to experience gender confusion during the elementary school years. Dr. Joseph Nicolosi reports, “In one study of 60 effeminate boys ages 4 to 11, 98 percent of them engaged in cross-dressing, and 83 percent said they wished they had been born a girl.”
Evidences of gender confusion or doubt in boys ages 5 to 11 may include:

1. A strong feeling that they are “different” from other boys.

2. A tendency to cry easily, be less athletic, and dislike the roughhousing that other boys enjoy.

3. A persistent preference to play female roles in make-believe plays.

4. A strong preference to spend time in the company of girls. (Ed: Who doesn't? Paging Hugh Hefner...)

5. A susceptibility to be bullied by other boys, who may tease them unmercifully and call them “queer,” “fag” and “gay.” (Ed: This describes every typical playground in the U.S.)

6. A tendency to walk, talk, dress and even “think” effeminately. (Ed: Brian, maybe you should be in the Thought Police)

If your boy resembles any of the above statements, you now need to know:

How to Prevent Homosexuality in my Child
In his outstanding book Preventing Homosexuality: A Parent’s Guide, clinical psychologist Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D., offers these guidelines:

1. Don’t worry about the occasional cross-gender behavior of your preschool child. ( Ed Note: ?????)

2. Become concerned if you see evidences of gender confusion or doubt in your child from ages 5 to 11. “[T]here is a high correlation between feminine behavior in boyhood and adult homosexuality.”

3. Recognize that most homosexuals “were not explicitly [so] when they were children. More often, they displayed a ‘nonmasculinity’ that set them painfully apart from other boys: unathletic — somewhat passive, unaggressive and uninterested in rough-and-tumble play. A number of them had traits that could be considered gifts: bright, precocious, social and relational, and artistically talented.” (Ed: Sooooo...if your boy is a very social person who likes to draw or is inclined to a musical instrument and gets good grades at school while being very popular, HE'S GAYER AS CLAY AIKEN!)

Thong Song Hopes to Boost Lagging Attendance

Following on the heels of candy-flavored cigarettes and kiddie deodorant, Thong Song owner Dave has signed a Japanese vendor that is marketing a nonalcoholic drink it calls Kidsbeer:

"Even kids cannot stand life unless they have a drink," said Dave, "Children copy and mimic adults. If you get this drink ready on such occasions as events and celebrations attended by kids, it would make the occasions even more entertaining.

All of a sudden those free pre-teen tampons give-a-way nights at the ol’ball park are starting to sound realistic after all...

Kesslers Moment

Sometimes in life, whether it’s netting a large fish, or having a bad day at the office, we all have that one particular moment where we are badly in need of a shot of Kesslers. That’s why each week this season, the HA will feature, for good or for bad, a Kesslers Moment, with the hopes you toast it along with the rest of us.

This week’s Kessler’s Moment comes from DPR owner and HA Blog Editor Scott who moonlights as a fundraiser. He received the following actual reply to a recent Annual Fund request for a donation:





OOPS! We did it again!

We here at the Hippo’s Ass make every effort to provide correct, factual information. Sometimes, mistakes occur, after all, we are only human and if millions of years of evolution has taught us anything, its that things can change. (except in Kansa where things just go POOF! and appear) Therefore we offer the following corrections to this week’s HA BLOG.

In the article “Bridge Hits the Mark”, Mark’s team was incorrectly identified. It should have read “ The Luke Sky-Auger All-Stars”

In the article concerning the Draft Date Controversy, Detroit Mag Lites have changed their name. Its now, The O.P.P. A thank you to Black Belt Ben who pointed out our mistake and will receive a free Save-The-Date Magnet for his refrigerator.

In the section about Pat Robertson, even though we have him recorded on tape as saying the US should assassinate Hugo Chavez, apparently what he “really” said was “take out” which could mean “take out Hugo Chavez like we take out the trash or take him out to a nice dinner and some dancing”.

In the Ask Dr. Gary letter, the letter signer was mis-identified. It should have read:
Signed, Dirty Diapers Owner Justin (who took a shot at the editor of this BLOG and now reaps what he sows)

Correction II. Apparently Pat Robertson now apologizes for saying what he previously said he did not say, saying the original was taken out of context because its not what he said. Also, Tinky Winky is still gay…as is Clay Aiken.

The Other Cheek

Please bring $5 for food on Saturday. And BYOB. Apparently we squandered any extra cash on a pay-for-play site when we could have gotten it for free.

Apparently I like the word apparently.

Please visit our other Blog Links. Evatt is pretty funny sometimes. I wish he would write something funny for the HA, but thats another matter. The Literary Angler will feature some short stories I am currently writing. The first part of a short story is currently up. Feel free to comment. If you are interested in a litany of bad date stories and what not to do with a date's hair, visit JVM's blog titled: JVB

As always, your contributions are most welcome. Its saves me time to actually do my job.

Till Next Time Campers, Its been a Hoot-N-A-Holler!