Wednesday, September 28, 2005

The Other Cheek

Last week's top league scorer was Thong Song who nearly beat Pigs in Space by only using three players and scoring 155.5 points. Thong Song then threw in the rest of the team for good measure. It's sad when you score 133 in a game and still lose. Thong Song takes home the weekly $10 prize.

The Dirty Diapers, after leaving a load all over the upper deck of their opponent last week, ended up laying a messy one, losing to the Loonies on the Grass 74.5 to 96, and winning the Hippo's Ass Award for the week.

Other scores from around the league:

Darth Portnoy's Revenge 96
Luke SkyAuger Allstars 107
(Eli Manning finally decided to play ball this week. Unfortunately, he was on the bench)

SuperBowel Movement 140
Ronnie Rayguns 113.5
(Ben tried to set his spam blaster to kill, but Chris was far superior by overwhelming RR team website with a deluge of email directing everyone to the evattblog)

Beastie Tool of Rage 78
Poker Dawgs 122
(Apparently the lap dance from the Bride jumpstarted the Dawgs this week. Unfortunately, the Dawgs owner isn't the Groom.)

Monster Squid Finally Photographed

Scientists have finally caught on film a photo of a Giant Squid. Apparently, in addition to being a monster of the depth, these giants of the sea can also shoot red laser beams.

Sushi Restaurants around the globe rejoiced at the sight of the monster surume-ika. Godzilla was not available for comment.


I figure this is a good place to make my LOST observations. Yes, that WAS a logo or emblem on the tail of the Shark. A similar logo can be seen on Desmond's jumpsuit and on the containers of food in the pantry. Hmmmm Apollo bars. (Not the best screen shot, but its the only one I could find. The Logo is right here #)

Last night's episode was ok, but they should have made this and the season premiere into a two hour premiere. And what exactly did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Inviso text Answer: Do you smell carrots?

Ranch Memo Exposes Best Man

In a memo the Hippo's Ass obtained from a source at CBS News, it is revealed exactly what was going through the mind of the second best man, Ben "Ranchie" M. at the wedding of Mike R.

After a heartfelt and sometimes emotional tribute from the first best man Joe. V, it was time for Ranchie to take the Mike, but only after two speeches made by the Maid-of-honors who prepared their speeches on a napkin at Gator Jakes.

By this point in the evening, most of the crowd was too busy tying to figure why Dave yelled out "Ush". Most of the older people in the back of the room thought Dave said "Usher" and spent the next 20 minutes looking for the Hip Hop musician.

Meanwhile, Ben took the microphone and proceeded to compare Bernie and Mike's marriage to Ronald Reagans scandal marked presidency. The irony of the evening was that, as Ben talked of the great communicator, no one was really listening.

Here, in a HA exclusive, are the notes he used to deliver a speech that is now being called The Evil Empire Strikes Back.



Open with a Joke, something like "My fellow Wedding attendees. I have just signed legislation outlawing sternals. We begin dismantling the buffet in in five minutes."
Wait for laughter to subside (4 minutes should do)
Talk about great lessons Reagan has taught us.

1) Trees cause more pollution than automobiles. Which means, if you are caught smoking in the house, blame James Watt.
2) Government doesn't solve problems, it subsidizes them. Then go into how, if you and your wife are fighting about whether or not you can go fishing, sell her some weapons and give the proceeeds to the the Kesslernistas.
3) (At this point the audience will be hanging on my every word so go for the big finish) And always remember, when making love, always start the foreplay by saying "I hope you are a Republican!

(Wait for thunderous applause to subside before going into the audience to shake hands. )

Monday, September 26, 2005

The Hippo's Ass would like to congratulate Bernie and David on their Wedding, Saturday, September 24. David, also known as "Mike," is the co-owner of the Ronnie Rayguns. Bernadette, also known as "Rachel," and "David" are currently on their honeymoon, so we can make fun of the wedding all this week without them knowing.

The Hippo's Ass was lucky to get this photo of a note "Mike" passed one of his Best Men, "Ranchie", about 15 minutes into the ceremony:

Tomorrow, we get an inside look at the "Making of a Best Man Speech." The Hippo's Ass has obtained a copy of "Ranchie's" notes.

In other news, Don Adams passed away today. Growing up, my siblings and I loved to watch Get Smart so much that we named our two cats, 99 and 86.

I'm sure a legion of Angels is welcoming Mr. Adams into that big Cone of Silence in the sky.

Would your believe a barbershop quartet?

Would you believe a Cub Scout and a cowbell?

RIP Mr. Smart

Sunday, September 25, 2005

New Format!

The Hippo's Ass is now going daily. Check back every day ( or so) to read your favorite articles. All of your favorites will still be here: The Other Cheek, A Kessler's Moment, Ask Dr. Gary (really written by Dr. Gary this time), Refridgerator Magnet Item of the Week, Joe Van Greek Picks of the week and Double Coupon Day for Mayo and Ranch Dressing and of course our Top Story of the Week. Now you don't have to wait all week to get the latest news, commentary or laughs from Ben's Best Man speech. (seriously..."The Government does not solve problems, it subidizes them. How Romantic.)

Plus...send us your favorite Hippo's Ass photo and win the Hippo's Ass Photo of the Week Award. THe Hippo's Ass isn't just the rear end of a large nearly hairless mammel, its a state of mind. Its the old girlfriend who shows up at the wedding pregnant, its thetender moment between a man and his bottle of Ranch Dressing. Its like Rain on your wedding day or a free ride when you are already late.

Tune in tomorrow fair reader...same Hippo's Ass time, Same Hippo's Ass Station.

Friday, September 23, 2005

The Hippos Ass
Vol. 6 Issue 3

Our Top Story

Breaking News. Last weekend was the last free weekend of one of the Blue Hippo League owners. Reports are still coming in from the Batchelor Party of Ronnie Rayguns co-owner Mike.

Through several different sources, this reporter for the Hippo’s Ass was able to piece together a timeline of the event. WARNING. This Issue is rate NWF (Not Wife Friendly)

Friday Night – A planned bar-hopping excursion failed as several of the guys only made it to one bar and stayed upstairs at Como’s in Fashionable Ferndale. One member, Joe M. did actually make it to several bars by himself then sat around downstairs at Como’s all evening getting drunk by himself and was later heard saying “There’s an upstairs?” Doctor Gary was alos rumored to have made an appearance. Doctor Gary will have a column in the next issue of the HA.

Saturday Morning – 10 am After a helpful helping of warm Boston Creams the crew headed for the North Country for a little male bonding.
10:15 – Mike has to stop and go to the bathroom
10:45 – Mike has to stop again to go to the bathroom
11:12 – Ben, driving his 2006 Mustang, is challenged on the road by a Yugo and loses.
11:38 – Joe V. gets a call on his Cell phone. Mike has to pee again.
12:10 – Justin announces that we are only 20 minutes away.
12:40 – Mike has to pee again. Justin says they are only 15 minutes away now.
1pm – The Mike Entourage arrives at the Wooden Shoe.
1:15 – Mike is Drunk
1:17 – The score of the U of M game is something like 102 to 3
1:22 – Scott introduces the gang to Kesslers. Things go downhill from here.
1:45 – Ben calls Joe V “Todd” for the eighth time. We learn that Ben buys Mayo in bulk and eats it like ice cream.
2:30 pm – Gang decides to leave before the $1 draft prices are dropped to 50 cents during happy hour.
2:45 – Justin announces that we are almost there.
3:00 – We pass an Amish house where we once got one of them there turkeys for eatin.
3:15 – Crew arrives at cabin and half of the Apple Pucker is gone. Mike keeps repeating “It’s like a taste of Fall in your mouth” over and over again until someone finally laughs.
3:45 – Most of the guys decide to go play golf. Scott and Joe go fishing.
3:46 – Joe Catches huge ass Walleye. Bi-polar Scott Damns Joe then says he feel happy for him. It will be two hours till Scott catches something. Damn Karma.
8pm – Golfers return and someone breaks out the Goldslauger and the Red Bull.

This is the last thing Mike remembers.

(The timeline for the rest of the evening is sketchy at this point)

Sometime around 10:30 or so, Mike decides to go swimming. Naked.
10:35 – Lacking any more firewood, someone burns Mike's underwear in the fire.
10:45 or so - After a refreshing swim and some naked wrestling,that did little to sober him up, Mike decides to have a smoke. Not having any matches, Mike puts the cigarette in his mouth and falls face first into the fire.
10:46 Mike loses an eyebrow, but his cigarette is lit.
10:55 Mike covets the cigarettes he has been given and can be heard muttering "My precious, my precious."
11pm Mike threatens to beat up Samwise. “Wait, here’s an idea,” Mike says, “Why don’t YOU go to bed.” Somewhen along this time, Mike passes out for about 10 seconds in the neighbors yard.
11:30 – A $10 antique chair is broken which Mike says “Just bill me, dammit”.
Best Men Ben and Joe finally lay the beast down to sleep sometime between 11:30 and 1am when this reporter finally fell asleep after watching Family Guy on TV.


8:30 am Apparently Bob the Cat made the trip. The sunglasses that he lifted from Ben were found on the kitchen table while several attendees reported feeling Sunday morning like a cat shat in their mouths. Bob had no comment.
10 am. Mike leaves to head home to his new life, but takes a page out of his hero Ronnie Reagan’s playbook: If you can’t remember what happened you have nothing to apologize for.

The Hippo’s Ass will continue to bring you further news on this breaking story as it becomes available.

If you have a story from last weekend that you would like to report, please send it to the Hippo’s Ass

Poker Dawgs Declare this the Year of the Tight End.

Fresh from his loss to the Dirty Diapers, Poker Dawgs owner Todd prophesized that this might be the year of the Tight End. “Brian is 2-0 going into the third week of play. He has a frickin TE on his team.” Big Head Todd said that next year he was going to draft all TE. After his .5 point loss in the first week, Todd has a new found respect for the Tight End. “Even though the best TE is rated #27 on the list of Wide Receivers, they are #1 in my book.” When asked about his Tight End Draft strategy, O.P.P owner Brian stated, “I drafted Tight Ends? Who the *&#@ did that for me?” Other league owners had this to say, “Who the $%@& is Todd?”

League Owners Spice Up Their Teams

This year, not only is it about Tight Ends but now owners are looking to add Style and Flair to boost performance. That’s why the league hired one the host’s of TLC’s What Not To Wear to give some advice on Style and Flair. Clinton Kelly,

Its not who you have on your team, its how the other team says, Damn you got a nice Tight End. Here is some tips to add Flair and Style to your team:

Rhinestone thong athletic supporters. Centers never get any attention. When the QB puts his hands under your ass to get your ball, show him you care. Rhinestone thong athletic supporters provide the needed protection, yet show off your wild side.

Cashmere sweaters. Not only do they look and feel great, but they allow you to use the line, "Touch my chest, you fox, and tell me it isn't heaven. I dare you." (actual quote)

Fridge Magnet Item of the Week.

Hal, you’re doing a heck of a job!

League owners suggested that this year’s Commish “Brownie” Hal, should stick a copy of the league rules on his fridge after a string of missteps over the past two weeks that included:
* A lock out involving several teams.
* Misplaced players
* Confusion over the rules
* Misappropriation of league funds
* Leaky Dykes

“I don’t want to play the Blame Game,” said Hal. "I’m a problem solver. I solve problems." Hal, a team owner who specialized in head liners for Jeeps, denied rumors that he was in line to be president of the Arabian Horses Owners of America.

A Kessler’s Moment

Someone who is truly having a heck of a year fishing is our own Big Man Justin who caught his second consecutive fish up on Lake Lancer this past weekend. Truly a Kessler’s moment. (The fish is the one in the middle)

The Other Cheek

The Hippo’s Ass award last week goes to Beastie Tool of Rage. Hurricane force winds were blamed for the poor performance netting the team only 63 points. Team owner Mark E. was quoted as saying, “Screw this place, I’m moving to Galveston.”

Last week's Top team was the Canadian Dirty Diapers who left skid marks all over the Poker Dawgs. “That’s what Todd gets for not letting me listen to the Lions post game on the way home from the cabin,” said Justin.

Please visit the other blogs on our link list. Especially Evatt. Every time you visit his Blog, and angel gets his wings!

Word on the street is that there will be a Joe Van Greek column next week.


Friday, September 09, 2005

The Hippo’s Ass
September 9, 2005 Vol. 6 Issue 2

Our Top Story

Dirty Diapers Deny Doping

In a surprise move, Dirty Diapers owner Justin announced that he is withdrawing from this year’s Fall Fishing Trip.

After catching his first fish on the Spring Trip, the Dirty Diapers owner quietly withdrew under a cloud of suspicion. French Newspapers are printing a story that states Justin used performance enhancing drugs to land his fish.

“That’s an out right lie”, announced Justin, “maybe I soaked my bait overnight in a little WD40, who doesn’t. But I certainly did not use any drugs that I am aware of. Besides, I used my Boerichter to catch that fish. My Boerichter bends, but it never breaks.”

Justin then went on to further surprise the Blue Hippo League by announcing that he may move his team to Toronto. “The new stadium will be in full view of the CN tower.” Justin then showed a photo of the future site of the Dirty Diapers (or Double D) Stadium.

Hippo’s Ass Rated NWF

It has come to the attention of the Editor of the HA that many team owners are sharing the HA with their wives. While “we” at the Hippo’s Ass firmly believe in the Freedom of Information Act, “we” believe that much of what “we” write will probably be taken out of “context”. As a result, the HA will now carry a new rating of NWF (Not Wife Friendly)

There was also concern that significant others would be able to check your History files and see what your were looking at. Therefore, starting next week, the Hippos Ass will have a password encryption to allow viewing of the HA. An alternate site, The Hippos Happy Playhouse will feature “Wife Friendly” features that you can show the old ball and chain.

Timmy Chang to Thong Song

The suspense was killing most of the owners who cared to show up at last week’s draft. With the 18th and final pick for his team, Thong Song owner Dave took a inexcusable amount of time to make his selection.

The delay in the process upset this years Commish, Hal, who for the first time all evening, did something Commish-like and yelled at the Thong Song owner: “For the fifteen minutes now,you've just been droning on withnames. "Toby...Toby...Toby...Toby Wong...Toby Wong...Toby Chung Timmy Chang...fuckin Charlie Chan. I got Madonna's big boerichter outta my right ear, and Timmy Jap I-don't-know-what, outta my left. Pick already!”

Thong Song, in a bid to become the first all Asian Fantasy Football Team, picked Timmy Chang. Chang, temped by a Cowboy hat wearing Hootie, was on his way to the local Burger King, but had this to say about finally being drafted: "No more yankie my wankie. The Chang need food.”

Bob the Six-fingered Cat Fingers a Few Items

It was reported after last weeks Draft that Bob the Polydactyl cat of DPR Owner Scott had stolen a few items while owners were stuffing themselves with White Fat Dip. The thefts were discovered when a wife of one of the owners, was sneaking into history files and came across Bob Kitty Porno site called Polydactyl Pussies. The site features a live web cam feed of Bob the cat, wearing sunglasses and “trimming” himself with a pair of fingernail clippers.

Fridge Magnet Item of the Week.

Do you have unused Fridge Magnets? Is the front of your fridge blank, vacant of any shopping lists, cute pictures of friends’ kids, expired pizza coupons? Our new feature will give you helpful, useful informational items suitable for posting on your refrigerator…with a magnet...if you have one…even if it was home-made…with love.

This week’s Fridge Magnet Item:

Tiger, donkey. Whatever. A restaurant in northeastern China that advertised illegal tiger meat dishes was found instead to be selling donkey flesh _ marinated in tiger urine, a newspaper reported Thursday. The Hufulou restaurant, located beside the Heidaohezi tiger reserve near the city of Hailin, had advertised stir-fried tiger meat with chilies for $98, as well as liquor flavored with tiger bone for $74 a bottle, the China Daily reported.

A Kessler’s Moment

There is a little bit of New Orleans in many of us. I’ve been to the Big Easy at least six times, two of those with a few of you guys. I know others of you have been there also.

After watching the events of the last two weeks unfold, I couldn’t help but think back at some of those moments we shared. I tried to think of one moment that was a true Kessler’s moment, but alas, they are all worthy of a shot. I know in my heart that one day, in the not so distant future, New Orleans will be back.

For now, here are some of my favorite Kessler’s moments in a toast to New Orleans, Laissez faire bon temp roulez!

(Last Day of Spring Break)
Scott: According to this map, we could stop off in New Orleans on the way home.
Mark: Hey Brent, grab your stuff, we’re going to Bourban Street
Brent: Cool

Cabbage Fights in the Irish Quarter

They (Two middle aged women) just want to go to the house of Blues, I would have been in the house of hurt in the morning.

Sonny Bono in the St. Josephs Day Parade

It’s awful dark down this end of Bourban Street. I don’t see any girls in any of these bars….

Getting a mild case of food poisoning and having to stop off at each bar to take a crap. Oysters are supposed to make you horny, not make you shit.

Cute Girl: Wanna Dance?
Joe: No

Never insult the NOLA bartenders by telling them the Hurricane drinks are weak.

A Dennis Rodman Drag Queen

Hey, that looks like Mark Dziatciak….It is Mark!

Now THAT’S a unique smell.

I thought Van Wormer was with you?

Hey…I’m in a topless bar with my mother?!?!?!?

Joe: Can I have a Kiss?
Different Cute Girl :No
Joe: Then I guess a Fuck is out of the question.

Crawfish, Alligator Tail, Goblets of Beer, Oysters, and Dirty Rice for dinner.

Chickory Coffee and Beignets at Café du Monde in the morning.

We found you near the “other” end of Bourban Street talking to a very large masculine woman. She had an Adam’s apple.

The Other Cheek

Keeping the dream alive, Brian, owner of the FFL team When Pigs Fly, missed his fourth consecutive Fantasy Football Draft. He has not attended a draft since he had it at his apartment.

After a fine dinner that DPR owner Scott prepared at his house, and after paying Chris for the website registration, and watching Joe, Chris and Scott help with Phone-in draft picks, and soon after Joe kept track of all draft picks, and Ben contemplated his Boerichter… the league congratulated Hal on a fantastic start to being Commish this year. “I try,” said the humble Hal. The Loonies in the Grass owner is rumored to be the future head of FEMA.

DPR owner Scott refused to answer to rumors that he had a feather snatched from his mouth by a man in tights waving his two balls around. Chris couldn’t confirm the rumor because apparently he was getting Pressed by a wench at the time. There is also no truth to the rumor that the first incident will soon be available on DVD for the low low price of $9.99 plus S&H.