Friday, September 09, 2005

The Hippo’s Ass
September 9, 2005 Vol. 6 Issue 2

Our Top Story

Dirty Diapers Deny Doping

In a surprise move, Dirty Diapers owner Justin announced that he is withdrawing from this year’s Fall Fishing Trip.

After catching his first fish on the Spring Trip, the Dirty Diapers owner quietly withdrew under a cloud of suspicion. French Newspapers are printing a story that states Justin used performance enhancing drugs to land his fish.

“That’s an out right lie”, announced Justin, “maybe I soaked my bait overnight in a little WD40, who doesn’t. But I certainly did not use any drugs that I am aware of. Besides, I used my Boerichter to catch that fish. My Boerichter bends, but it never breaks.”

Justin then went on to further surprise the Blue Hippo League by announcing that he may move his team to Toronto. “The new stadium will be in full view of the CN tower.” Justin then showed a photo of the future site of the Dirty Diapers (or Double D) Stadium.

Hippo’s Ass Rated NWF

It has come to the attention of the Editor of the HA that many team owners are sharing the HA with their wives. While “we” at the Hippo’s Ass firmly believe in the Freedom of Information Act, “we” believe that much of what “we” write will probably be taken out of “context”. As a result, the HA will now carry a new rating of NWF (Not Wife Friendly)

There was also concern that significant others would be able to check your History files and see what your were looking at. Therefore, starting next week, the Hippos Ass will have a password encryption to allow viewing of the HA. An alternate site, The Hippos Happy Playhouse will feature “Wife Friendly” features that you can show the old ball and chain.

Timmy Chang to Thong Song

The suspense was killing most of the owners who cared to show up at last week’s draft. With the 18th and final pick for his team, Thong Song owner Dave took a inexcusable amount of time to make his selection.

The delay in the process upset this years Commish, Hal, who for the first time all evening, did something Commish-like and yelled at the Thong Song owner: “For the fifteen minutes now,you've just been droning on withnames. "Toby...Toby...Toby...Toby Wong...Toby Wong...Toby Chung Timmy Chang...fuckin Charlie Chan. I got Madonna's big boerichter outta my right ear, and Timmy Jap I-don't-know-what, outta my left. Pick already!”

Thong Song, in a bid to become the first all Asian Fantasy Football Team, picked Timmy Chang. Chang, temped by a Cowboy hat wearing Hootie, was on his way to the local Burger King, but had this to say about finally being drafted: "No more yankie my wankie. The Chang need food.”

Bob the Six-fingered Cat Fingers a Few Items

It was reported after last weeks Draft that Bob the Polydactyl cat of DPR Owner Scott had stolen a few items while owners were stuffing themselves with White Fat Dip. The thefts were discovered when a wife of one of the owners, was sneaking into history files and came across Bob Kitty Porno site called Polydactyl Pussies. The site features a live web cam feed of Bob the cat, wearing sunglasses and “trimming” himself with a pair of fingernail clippers.

Fridge Magnet Item of the Week.

Do you have unused Fridge Magnets? Is the front of your fridge blank, vacant of any shopping lists, cute pictures of friends’ kids, expired pizza coupons? Our new feature will give you helpful, useful informational items suitable for posting on your refrigerator…with a magnet...if you have one…even if it was home-made…with love.

This week’s Fridge Magnet Item:

Tiger, donkey. Whatever. A restaurant in northeastern China that advertised illegal tiger meat dishes was found instead to be selling donkey flesh _ marinated in tiger urine, a newspaper reported Thursday. The Hufulou restaurant, located beside the Heidaohezi tiger reserve near the city of Hailin, had advertised stir-fried tiger meat with chilies for $98, as well as liquor flavored with tiger bone for $74 a bottle, the China Daily reported.

A Kessler’s Moment

There is a little bit of New Orleans in many of us. I’ve been to the Big Easy at least six times, two of those with a few of you guys. I know others of you have been there also.

After watching the events of the last two weeks unfold, I couldn’t help but think back at some of those moments we shared. I tried to think of one moment that was a true Kessler’s moment, but alas, they are all worthy of a shot. I know in my heart that one day, in the not so distant future, New Orleans will be back.

For now, here are some of my favorite Kessler’s moments in a toast to New Orleans, Laissez faire bon temp roulez!

(Last Day of Spring Break)
Scott: According to this map, we could stop off in New Orleans on the way home.
Mark: Hey Brent, grab your stuff, we’re going to Bourban Street
Brent: Cool

Cabbage Fights in the Irish Quarter

They (Two middle aged women) just want to go to the house of Blues, I would have been in the house of hurt in the morning.

Sonny Bono in the St. Josephs Day Parade

It’s awful dark down this end of Bourban Street. I don’t see any girls in any of these bars….

Getting a mild case of food poisoning and having to stop off at each bar to take a crap. Oysters are supposed to make you horny, not make you shit.

Cute Girl: Wanna Dance?
Joe: No

Never insult the NOLA bartenders by telling them the Hurricane drinks are weak.

A Dennis Rodman Drag Queen

Hey, that looks like Mark Dziatciak….It is Mark!

Now THAT’S a unique smell.

I thought Van Wormer was with you?

Hey…I’m in a topless bar with my mother?!?!?!?

Joe: Can I have a Kiss?
Different Cute Girl :No
Joe: Then I guess a Fuck is out of the question.

Crawfish, Alligator Tail, Goblets of Beer, Oysters, and Dirty Rice for dinner.

Chickory Coffee and Beignets at Café du Monde in the morning.

We found you near the “other” end of Bourban Street talking to a very large masculine woman. She had an Adam’s apple.

The Other Cheek

Keeping the dream alive, Brian, owner of the FFL team When Pigs Fly, missed his fourth consecutive Fantasy Football Draft. He has not attended a draft since he had it at his apartment.

After a fine dinner that DPR owner Scott prepared at his house, and after paying Chris for the website registration, and watching Joe, Chris and Scott help with Phone-in draft picks, and soon after Joe kept track of all draft picks, and Ben contemplated his Boerichter… the league congratulated Hal on a fantastic start to being Commish this year. “I try,” said the humble Hal. The Loonies in the Grass owner is rumored to be the future head of FEMA.

DPR owner Scott refused to answer to rumors that he had a feather snatched from his mouth by a man in tights waving his two balls around. Chris couldn’t confirm the rumor because apparently he was getting Pressed by a wench at the time. There is also no truth to the rumor that the first incident will soon be available on DVD for the low low price of $9.99 plus S&H.



The Husband said...

Nice Work! Pulitzer Prize material for sure

Chris said...

that's funny stuff
I love DD's

philfisher26507015 said...

i thought your blog was cool and i think you may like this cool Website. now just Click Here

ntobrhBM said...

You have a neat blog here. I have a site on pizza coupons that you may be interested in linking to.