Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Ranch Memo Exposes Best Man

In a memo the Hippo's Ass obtained from a source at CBS News, it is revealed exactly what was going through the mind of the second best man, Ben "Ranchie" M. at the wedding of Mike R.

After a heartfelt and sometimes emotional tribute from the first best man Joe. V, it was time for Ranchie to take the Mike, but only after two speeches made by the Maid-of-honors who prepared their speeches on a napkin at Gator Jakes.

By this point in the evening, most of the crowd was too busy tying to figure why Dave yelled out "Ush". Most of the older people in the back of the room thought Dave said "Usher" and spent the next 20 minutes looking for the Hip Hop musician.

Meanwhile, Ben took the microphone and proceeded to compare Bernie and Mike's marriage to Ronald Reagans scandal marked presidency. The irony of the evening was that, as Ben talked of the great communicator, no one was really listening.

Here, in a HA exclusive, are the notes he used to deliver a speech that is now being called The Evil Empire Strikes Back.

**************************************************

NOTES FOR BEST MAN SPEECH BY BEN #######

Open with a Joke, something like "My fellow Wedding attendees. I have just signed legislation outlawing sternals. We begin dismantling the buffet in in five minutes."
Wait for laughter to subside (4 minutes should do)
Talk about great lessons Reagan has taught us.

1) Trees cause more pollution than automobiles. Which means, if you are caught smoking in the house, blame James Watt.
2) Government doesn't solve problems, it subsidizes them. Then go into how, if you and your wife are fighting about whether or not you can go fishing, sell her some weapons and give the proceeeds to the the Kesslernistas.
3) (At this point the audience will be hanging on my every word so go for the big finish) And always remember, when making love, always start the foreplay by saying "I hope you are a Republican!

(Wait for thunderous applause to subside before going into the audience to shake hands. )

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Fired PR Blogger Saga Rages On
Wednesday, September 28, 2005, by Lockhart The saga of DwellingQuest 's fired PR person, Kelly Kreth, hits the Post todaya 'and, by extension, Gawker, where the commenters have a field day.
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Chris said...

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PS That was quite definately funny, kudos to the man from Dborn

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