Friday, September 23, 2005

The Hippos Ass
Vol. 6 Issue 3

Our Top Story

Breaking News. Last weekend was the last free weekend of one of the Blue Hippo League owners. Reports are still coming in from the Batchelor Party of Ronnie Rayguns co-owner Mike.

Through several different sources, this reporter for the Hippo’s Ass was able to piece together a timeline of the event. WARNING. This Issue is rate NWF (Not Wife Friendly)

Friday Night – A planned bar-hopping excursion failed as several of the guys only made it to one bar and stayed upstairs at Como’s in Fashionable Ferndale. One member, Joe M. did actually make it to several bars by himself then sat around downstairs at Como’s all evening getting drunk by himself and was later heard saying “There’s an upstairs?” Doctor Gary was alos rumored to have made an appearance. Doctor Gary will have a column in the next issue of the HA.

Saturday Morning – 10 am After a helpful helping of warm Boston Creams the crew headed for the North Country for a little male bonding.
10:15 – Mike has to stop and go to the bathroom
10:45 – Mike has to stop again to go to the bathroom
11:12 – Ben, driving his 2006 Mustang, is challenged on the road by a Yugo and loses.
11:38 – Joe V. gets a call on his Cell phone. Mike has to pee again.
12:10 – Justin announces that we are only 20 minutes away.
12:40 – Mike has to pee again. Justin says they are only 15 minutes away now.
1pm – The Mike Entourage arrives at the Wooden Shoe.
1:15 – Mike is Drunk
1:17 – The score of the U of M game is something like 102 to 3
1:22 – Scott introduces the gang to Kesslers. Things go downhill from here.
1:45 – Ben calls Joe V “Todd” for the eighth time. We learn that Ben buys Mayo in bulk and eats it like ice cream.
2:30 pm – Gang decides to leave before the $1 draft prices are dropped to 50 cents during happy hour.
2:45 – Justin announces that we are almost there.
3:00 – We pass an Amish house where we once got one of them there turkeys for eatin.
3:15 – Crew arrives at cabin and half of the Apple Pucker is gone. Mike keeps repeating “It’s like a taste of Fall in your mouth” over and over again until someone finally laughs.
3:45 – Most of the guys decide to go play golf. Scott and Joe go fishing.
3:46 – Joe Catches huge ass Walleye. Bi-polar Scott Damns Joe then says he feel happy for him. It will be two hours till Scott catches something. Damn Karma.
8pm – Golfers return and someone breaks out the Goldslauger and the Red Bull.

This is the last thing Mike remembers.

(The timeline for the rest of the evening is sketchy at this point)

Sometime around 10:30 or so, Mike decides to go swimming. Naked.
10:35 – Lacking any more firewood, someone burns Mike's underwear in the fire.
10:45 or so - After a refreshing swim and some naked wrestling,that did little to sober him up, Mike decides to have a smoke. Not having any matches, Mike puts the cigarette in his mouth and falls face first into the fire.
10:46 Mike loses an eyebrow, but his cigarette is lit.
10:55 Mike covets the cigarettes he has been given and can be heard muttering "My precious, my precious."
11pm Mike threatens to beat up Samwise. “Wait, here’s an idea,” Mike says, “Why don’t YOU go to bed.” Somewhen along this time, Mike passes out for about 10 seconds in the neighbors yard.
11:30 – A $10 antique chair is broken which Mike says “Just bill me, dammit”.
Best Men Ben and Joe finally lay the beast down to sleep sometime between 11:30 and 1am when this reporter finally fell asleep after watching Family Guy on TV.


8:30 am Apparently Bob the Cat made the trip. The sunglasses that he lifted from Ben were found on the kitchen table while several attendees reported feeling Sunday morning like a cat shat in their mouths. Bob had no comment.
10 am. Mike leaves to head home to his new life, but takes a page out of his hero Ronnie Reagan’s playbook: If you can’t remember what happened you have nothing to apologize for.

The Hippo’s Ass will continue to bring you further news on this breaking story as it becomes available.

If you have a story from last weekend that you would like to report, please send it to the Hippo’s Ass

Poker Dawgs Declare this the Year of the Tight End.

Fresh from his loss to the Dirty Diapers, Poker Dawgs owner Todd prophesized that this might be the year of the Tight End. “Brian is 2-0 going into the third week of play. He has a frickin TE on his team.” Big Head Todd said that next year he was going to draft all TE. After his .5 point loss in the first week, Todd has a new found respect for the Tight End. “Even though the best TE is rated #27 on the list of Wide Receivers, they are #1 in my book.” When asked about his Tight End Draft strategy, O.P.P owner Brian stated, “I drafted Tight Ends? Who the *&#@ did that for me?” Other league owners had this to say, “Who the $%@& is Todd?”

League Owners Spice Up Their Teams

This year, not only is it about Tight Ends but now owners are looking to add Style and Flair to boost performance. That’s why the league hired one the host’s of TLC’s What Not To Wear to give some advice on Style and Flair. Clinton Kelly,

Its not who you have on your team, its how the other team says, Damn you got a nice Tight End. Here is some tips to add Flair and Style to your team:

Rhinestone thong athletic supporters. Centers never get any attention. When the QB puts his hands under your ass to get your ball, show him you care. Rhinestone thong athletic supporters provide the needed protection, yet show off your wild side.

Cashmere sweaters. Not only do they look and feel great, but they allow you to use the line, "Touch my chest, you fox, and tell me it isn't heaven. I dare you." (actual quote)

Fridge Magnet Item of the Week.

Hal, you’re doing a heck of a job!

League owners suggested that this year’s Commish “Brownie” Hal, should stick a copy of the league rules on his fridge after a string of missteps over the past two weeks that included:
* A lock out involving several teams.
* Misplaced players
* Confusion over the rules
* Misappropriation of league funds
* Leaky Dykes

“I don’t want to play the Blame Game,” said Hal. "I’m a problem solver. I solve problems." Hal, a team owner who specialized in head liners for Jeeps, denied rumors that he was in line to be president of the Arabian Horses Owners of America.

A Kessler’s Moment

Someone who is truly having a heck of a year fishing is our own Big Man Justin who caught his second consecutive fish up on Lake Lancer this past weekend. Truly a Kessler’s moment. (The fish is the one in the middle)

The Other Cheek

The Hippo’s Ass award last week goes to Beastie Tool of Rage. Hurricane force winds were blamed for the poor performance netting the team only 63 points. Team owner Mark E. was quoted as saying, “Screw this place, I’m moving to Galveston.”

Last week's Top team was the Canadian Dirty Diapers who left skid marks all over the Poker Dawgs. “That’s what Todd gets for not letting me listen to the Lions post game on the way home from the cabin,” said Justin.

Please visit the other blogs on our link list. Especially Evatt. Every time you visit his Blog, and angel gets his wings!

Word on the street is that there will be a Joe Van Greek column next week.


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