Hippo's Ass Gets a (Lost) Clue?

Well once again this week, there is no new LOST on ABC. Actually, there is no new LOST anywhere. As much as I like the ride the show takes us on, I am often frustrated with the constant waiting in line for the next episode. Here's a tip Mr. LOST Producer, I am willing to wait 8 months for a new season, if you only just copy 24's formula and show a season without any breaks.

So, to bide my time, I cruised over to Evatt's Blog (link on the left) but his big boobathon continues...Now I like boobs, but come on! He's just Phishing for hit on his site. Anyone can put a picture of a big boob on their site just to get people to log on. Why, someone could write BIG BOOBS BIG BOOBS BIG BOOBS BIG BOOBS BOOBS BIG BOGS over and over again, but what fun would that be. Besides, I might misspell Boob and attract people who like large swampy areas that stink.

Then I went over to Joe's Blog and quickly came back here. He's had the same picture of the iron grater toilet paper since last year. Rumor has it he forgot the name of his own blog. Yeah, lots of traffic over there. At the risk of sounding like a hypocrite, I will move on...

Back to Lost... I found a used copy of LANCELOT by Walker Percy at the King Book Shop in Ferndale. You will remember that this was the book Sawyer was reading on the beach.

The Clue?

Inside the front cover, just before the chapter is a quote from a book of Dante's Divine Comedy...wait for it...Its not Inferno. Yup, its from Purgatorio. Here is the quote and judge for yourself:

He sank so low that all means
for his salvation were gone,
except showing him the lost people.
For this I visited the region of the dead...

Now...Go read Dostoevsky The Brother's Karamazov and report back here next week.

On Thursday, The Hippo's Ass will show you how to get your news story to pop up on Hal's News updater. And...we reveal the name of Hal's Boss. Here is a hint: Volvo. (No its not Mulva)

The Hippo's Ass will also go out on a limb and pick the second seed from the West to win the Big Dance. The HA doesn't actually know which team this is, but I got a good feeling.

And, we expect a lot of good stories and photos from the gang headed to Chicago for St. Patricks Day.

A Kesslers Moment

I know...I know. We aren't allowed to poke fun at President Bush. He's off limits these days or we run the risk of being called traitors by FOXNEWS.

We can't make fun of him.

We can't hold a mock impeachment trial for him (sorry Dave, there goes your lesson plan for next week).

We can't compare him to Hitler.

But the guy makes it so damn easy! I mean, C'mon Rove, get a handle on your corporate media for heaven's sake. You think Clinton's handlers would have allowed rampid jokes about him to float across the internet and awkward photos to be passed around?

Like, take this photo of President Bush for instance...Its a Kessler's moment if I every saw one.

Speaking of lesson plans, The HA has obtained an exclusive audio tape of one of Dave's classroom lessons. Seems like somebody in the back of the class has been secretly taping Dave and wanted to submit it to FOXNEWS, but the HA offered him a good deal and we got the tape first. Look for this HOT transcript soon on the Hippo's Ass

The Sisterhood of Hal's Traveling Pants

Seems like EVERYONE today wants to know what happened to Hal’s Pants.

Ok, Here is the Scoop. On the way to Toronto, Hal and Tony decided to not wear their good clothes so they could be more “comfortable” in the car. Scott wore his. Three hours into the trip they stop at a Holiday Inn Express because Tony has a Preferred Member card or a Coupon for a free Danish, I can’t remember. Anyway, they go into the bathroom to change while Scott waits in the lobby to read the Globe and Mail about how the Toronto Subway System is going broke because they are giving Naked guys free transfers. I kid you not. Ok…I kid you about the Naked part, but the free transfers is just killing the system. You see, when you have X amount of riders and it costs M to pay for the system…what? Oh yeah…It’s George Bush’s Fault.

Back to the story…At somepoint Hal realizes that his suit pants are nowhere to be seen. To make a long story short, Hal goes to WallMart and buys a cheap pair of pants, and forgets to claim said pants when coming back across the border. He recieves a letter from Dick Cheney warning that Serious Consequentence will occur if Hal Doesn’t pay Duty and includes an invitation to go quail hunting.

Seems like that would be the end of the story…but its not. What happened to Hal’s original pair of pants you may ask… Luckily, the folks down at Random House have published a cute touching story about the journey of Hal’s Pants, called, The Sisterhood of Hal’s Traveling Pants. Here is my review:

They were just a soft, ordinary pair of thrift-shop suit pants that belonged to Hal until the four girls took turns trying them on--four girls, that is, who are close friends, about to be parted for the summer, with very different sizes and builds, not to mention backgrounds and personalities. Yet Hal’s pants settle on each girl's hips perfectly, making her look sexy and long-legged and feel confident as a teenager can feel. "These are magical Hal Pants!" they realize, and so they make a pact to share them equally, to mail them back and forth over the summer from wherever they are. Beautiful, distant Lena is going to Greece to be with her grandparents and worship at the Pagan temple of Apollo; strong, athletic Bridget is off to lesbian soccer camp in Baja, California; hot-tempered Carmen plans to have her divorced (Step?)father all to herself in South Carolina (nudge nudge wink wink); and Tibby the rebel will be left at home to slave for minimum wage at Wallman's. (Name changed from WallMART due to threats from underpaid Mexican workers without health insurance becoming jealous of Tibby’s high paying job)

Over the summer Hal’s Pants come to represent the support of the sisterhood, but they also lead each girl into bruising and ultimately healing confrontations with love and courage, dying and forgiveness. Like Hal’s Pants, the reader bounces back and forth among the four unfolding adventures, and the mélange is spiced with letters and witty quotes that speak over the readers heads and only elite Hollywood types will understand and explain to us in a feature length film that will cut out most of the story and leave us with just sex scenes with Halle Berry as Bridget.

Two Stars.

Newbie Joins Fishing Trip

Alex,
Since you plan on attending our Annual Spring Fishing Trip, you need a primer to bring you up to speed. As a newbie, you will be tested on this before the trip:

• When Justin says pull my finger, he means it. Remember your laws of physics: for every action there is a reaction.
• Cheap Beer is a given. Papst, Old Milwaukee, Busch is cool...nothing over Bud Light (unless you are Mark and then you bring Martinis. Don't EVER buy Red White and Blue beer, unless you feel like throwing it at a tree.
• One of these three things (but not all) will happen to Joe V. on the trip: 1 - He will catch the biggest fish 2-He will catch the most fish 3 He will fall into the water
• Bring a fishing pole or else you end up arguing with Roberts about the Meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything.
• If you need a fishing pole, there is one at the bottom of Clear Lake that belongs to Joey M.
• Walking home from the Bar does NOT guarentee your will not be pulled over by the police.
• Watch out for small woodland Creatures. They sometimes lodge in your throat.
• If you want to catch a fish, you have to put your bait inthe water. Letting it dangle over the edge of the boat, five inches above the water line does not work.
• Kessler's Kills the HIV. Its a Fact. It also cures hang overs, hang nails and mother-in-laws that hang around too long.
• You will learn to love Kesslers.
• One of these things usually happen to Chris on a fishing trip: 1 -He will not catch a fish 2 - He will not catch a fish - 3 He will not catch a fish.
• Its bad Karma to pee on the concreate oblisk in the middle of the Pere Marquette State Forest.
• Fear the Okie Bitch Project
• Old people don't notice when someone pounds on their door, rings their copper bells or shine flashlights into their cottage. However, telephones do wake them up.
• Making Martinis on the small island is probably not the best way to fish.

This weekend, Dr. Gary answers your questions on Prostate Cancer, and we take a look at tonights loser on American Idol and get Joey VanIdols reaction.

Seacrest OUT!

Is there a War on Paczki Day?

For generations, Polish peoples have prepared for the beginning of Lent by celebrating Fat Tuesday and cleaning out the pantries to make Paczkis. This day was special and was only celebrated one day out of the year.

Then the tide turned.

This year, weeks before Fat Tuesday, secular stores like Farmer Jacks, Krogers and even foreign socialist coffee shops like Tim Hortons began selling the lard laden treats.

Has this taken away from the significance of Fat Tuesday? When did it become Fat Monday? Or for that matter…Fat February? The Left leaning mass media has gotten into the act by proclaiming that “Everyone is Polish on Paczki Day!”

How would this go over if “Everyone is Jewish on Hannukha” or Everyone is Brazillian on Festa de Nossa Senhora dos Navegantes Porto Allegre Day”. Maybe we should expand it to “Everyone’s Dead on the Feast of the Dead Day.” Not a pretty picture is it? (Look what this trend did to St. Patrick’s Day. Now it’s just an excuse for Michigan males to go get drunk in Chicago and hit on heavy women)

Justin sees this whole commercialization of Holidays as a evil Zionist and PNAC plot. "Its all Bush's Fault", said Justin.

I began to suspect that something might be amiss when places like Dunkin Donuts were selling regular donuts and calling them Paczkis. My suspicions were confirmed when I went there this morning on a fact finding mission and my “Paczki” looked suspiciously like a cruller.

Next year, lets all put the Tuesday back into Fat Tuesday and Paczki Day.