Monday, April 28, 2008

A Newlywed Man, A Professor and a Canadian go Fishing

The Men’s Spring Fishing Trip by Joe
Translated by Scott

It was the best of times it was the worst of times. A newlywed man, a professor and a Canadian, three brave fishermen, traveled north to the mighty Pere Marquette River in Baldwin Michigan for the start of the Men’s Spring Fishing trip. Their hearts were heavy as they grieved the absence of their trusty fishing pal who we'll call old-ticker, who, under doctor’s orders was forced to stay home and play an idiotic game of Fishing on his Wii. But their hopes were high of catching an elusive trophy steelhead.

So you could have a profile of Baldwin, I went to, who specializes in profiling more than 46,000 cities and towns in the United States. This map comes from their site:

Lesson here? Don’t use because they have no idea what they are writing about.

Many people come to Baldwin Michigan to take in some of the local festivities which include the annual Blessing of the Bikes and the annual Miss Lake County pageant. One notable spot that many tourists visit for a tasty treat on a hot summer day is Mom and Dad's Cone Shoppe. According to Wikipedia, Mom and Dad's has about the biggest one scoop cone that you will ever see.

The Famous Pere Marquette river is named after Father Jacques Marquette (June 1, 1637May 18, 1675[1]) a French missionary who founded Michigan's first European settlement, Sault Ste. Marie, and later founded St. Ignace, MI. He died of dysentary because Kesslers wouldn't be invented for at least another 200 years or so...

Four fishing trips had been attempted up at the PM, none successful. This year would be the first time we actually asked for help. Our mission: to hire a guide and find out what we’ve been doing wrong all these years.

The crew left the Warren hood at 4:13 PM on a sunny Thursday afternoon. Not long into their trek north came the first stop, Bass Pro Shops. This trip could have been completely avoided if the Canadian would have shared his secret "on-line" fishing license purchase website. Additionally, the only real purpose the newlywed’s newly purchased rain coat served was to ward off any sign of rain at all. And the professor’s polarized sun glasses became more of a fashion statement than an integral fishing tool. Nonetheless, the three enjoyed the stop, which took about an hour longer than it need be.
Apparently our trio was lost without the guidance and decision making ability of old-ticker, who was home noticing there was a hatch going on in his back yard.

Our trio survived the dreaded detour around the haunted open structure Zilwaukee Bridge, a grand monument to the wasteful spending of our hard earned tax money, and eventually landed at a pizza and grinder shop just 30 minutes outside of Baldwin. The sign on the wall read, buy two subs get the third one free. That is unless you purchase and pay for two subs individually in that case you did not buy "two" subs rather two people purchased "one" sub a piece therefore do not qualifying for the "free" third sub. A trick most city folk fall for we assumed. Where was old-ticker to thwart the man's evil sub deception? He was home watching a repeat of Rock of Love II.

Next stop... COLD BEER and breakfast. A simple early evening task? Think again...

Stop one, Wesco gas station... loads of beer, three kinds of pop-tarts, no packet oatmeal (the Canadian wanted stick to your ribs

Stop two, Gas station up the street from Wesco... loads of beer, same three kinds of pop-tarts but again, no oatmeal ... next

Stop three, grocery store CLOSED

Stop four, Only gestation left in town, same loads of beer, same three kinds of pop-tarts, still no oatmeal... frustrated, our trio purchases beer, pop-tarts, ice-cream, peanut butter (a fishing trip staple) coffee cream, water, coffee filters and ice... we almost left without the ice.

DID YOU KNOW? In 1971, a cartoon character named Milton the Toaster was introduced to promote Pop-Tarts. The campaign ended when a commercial showed a child hugging the toaster, leading to complaints that children might imitate the commercial and burn themselves. True story.
When you are single, the dizzy air headedness of women can sometimes be endearing, at least temporarily. When you get married, you find that they become all too annoying and you wonder why you even talk to them at all. Consider the conversation our newlywed had with the female clerk at on of the gas stations:

Newly Wed: Do you have water Whack Job: What do you think is in the coolers
Newly Wed: No, I mean large jugs of water
Whack Job: You walked right by it
Newly Wed: Um...ok, how are the steelhead biting
Whack Job: Pretty good, but you folks should try the Tippy Damn
Newly Wed: Really, what are they biting on
Whack Job: Some yellow fuzz and a hook

A small debate occurs, do we trust the Canadian's keen tracking abilities and sense of direction,(some call it the Spirit of the North, others call it JustinJustin) or do we trust the professor's high tech global positioning system to find the trout post... Good for our trio we had both.

The instant our trio hit dirt road... crack fizz, crack fizz, crack fizz... three delicious beers never tasted so good.

Scared out of his mind the newlywed unlocks the trout post door and creeps down into the dark spider infested basement to switch on the electricity... Normally this is old-ticker's job, which we totally too for granted all those years.

With the lights are on and the all wheel drive Subaru unpacked and sleeping arrangements accounted for (the Canadian claims the master suite, the newlywed claims the empty bed room and the professor claims the couch, because he is the boss and doesn’t want anyone to step on his head if they get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (The Office reference)). The trio settle in for the night sipping 12 year old scotch, drinking India pale ale and lamenting about years past when there fellow brethren had also made the trip with them.

Next Time: BEEP BEEP BEEP 6:00 AM time to go fishing...

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