The Hippo's Ass would like to congratulate Bernie and David on their Wedding, Saturday, September 24. David, also known as "Mike," is the co-owner of the Ronnie Rayguns. Bernadette, also known as "Rachel," and "David" are currently on their honeymoon, so we can make fun of the wedding all this week without them knowing.

The Hippo's Ass was lucky to get this photo of a note "Mike" passed one of his Best Men, "Ranchie", about 15 minutes into the ceremony:

Tomorrow, we get an inside look at the "Making of a Best Man Speech." The Hippo's Ass has obtained a copy of "Ranchie's" notes.


In other news, Don Adams passed away today. Growing up, my siblings and I loved to watch Get Smart so much that we named our two cats, 99 and 86.

I'm sure a legion of Angels is welcoming Mr. Adams into that big Cone of Silence in the sky.

Would your believe a barbershop quartet?

Would you believe a Cub Scout and a cowbell?

RIP Mr. Smart

New Format!

The Hippo's Ass is now going daily. Check back every day ( or so) to read your favorite articles. All of your favorites will still be here: The Other Cheek, A Kessler's Moment, Ask Dr. Gary (really written by Dr. Gary this time), Refridgerator Magnet Item of the Week, Joe Van Greek Picks of the week and Double Coupon Day for Mayo and Ranch Dressing and of course our Top Story of the Week. Now you don't have to wait all week to get the latest news, commentary or laughs from Ben's Best Man speech. (seriously..."The Government does not solve problems, it subidizes them. How Romantic.)

Plus...send us your favorite Hippo's Ass photo and win the Hippo's Ass Photo of the Week Award. THe Hippo's Ass isn't just the rear end of a large nearly hairless mammel, its a state of mind. Its the old girlfriend who shows up at the wedding pregnant, its thetender moment between a man and his bottle of Ranch Dressing. Its like Rain on your wedding day or a free ride when you are already late.

Tune in tomorrow fair reader...same Hippo's Ass time, Same Hippo's Ass Station.

The Hippos Ass
Vol. 6 Issue 3


Our Top Story

Breaking News. Last weekend was the last free weekend of one of the Blue Hippo League owners. Reports are still coming in from the Batchelor Party of Ronnie Rayguns co-owner Mike.

Through several different sources, this reporter for the Hippo’s Ass was able to piece together a timeline of the event. WARNING. This Issue is rate NWF (Not Wife Friendly)

Friday Night – A planned bar-hopping excursion failed as several of the guys only made it to one bar and stayed upstairs at Como’s in Fashionable Ferndale. One member, Joe M. did actually make it to several bars by himself then sat around downstairs at Como’s all evening getting drunk by himself and was later heard saying “There’s an upstairs?” Doctor Gary was alos rumored to have made an appearance. Doctor Gary will have a column in the next issue of the HA.

Saturday Morning – 10 am After a helpful helping of warm Boston Creams the crew headed for the North Country for a little male bonding.
10:15 – Mike has to stop and go to the bathroom
10:45 – Mike has to stop again to go to the bathroom
11:12 – Ben, driving his 2006 Mustang, is challenged on the road by a Yugo and loses.
11:38 – Joe V. gets a call on his Cell phone. Mike has to pee again.
12:10 – Justin announces that we are only 20 minutes away.
12:40 – Mike has to pee again. Justin says they are only 15 minutes away now.
1pm – The Mike Entourage arrives at the Wooden Shoe.
1:15 – Mike is Drunk
1:17 – The score of the U of M game is something like 102 to 3
1:22 – Scott introduces the gang to Kesslers. Things go downhill from here.
1:45 – Ben calls Joe V “Todd” for the eighth time. We learn that Ben buys Mayo in bulk and eats it like ice cream.
2:30 pm – Gang decides to leave before the $1 draft prices are dropped to 50 cents during happy hour.
2:45 – Justin announces that we are almost there.
3:00 – We pass an Amish house where we once got one of them there turkeys for eatin.
3:15 – Crew arrives at cabin and half of the Apple Pucker is gone. Mike keeps repeating “It’s like a taste of Fall in your mouth” over and over again until someone finally laughs.
3:45 – Most of the guys decide to go play golf. Scott and Joe go fishing.
3:46 – Joe Catches huge ass Walleye. Bi-polar Scott Damns Joe then says he feel happy for him. It will be two hours till Scott catches something. Damn Karma.
8pm – Golfers return and someone breaks out the Goldslauger and the Red Bull.

This is the last thing Mike remembers.

(The timeline for the rest of the evening is sketchy at this point)

Sometime around 10:30 or so, Mike decides to go swimming. Naked.
10:35 – Lacking any more firewood, someone burns Mike's underwear in the fire.
10:45 or so - After a refreshing swim and some naked wrestling,that did little to sober him up, Mike decides to have a smoke. Not having any matches, Mike puts the cigarette in his mouth and falls face first into the fire.
10:46 Mike loses an eyebrow, but his cigarette is lit.
10:55 Mike covets the cigarettes he has been given and can be heard muttering "My precious, my precious."
11pm Mike threatens to beat up Samwise. “Wait, here’s an idea,” Mike says, “Why don’t YOU go to bed.” Somewhen along this time, Mike passes out for about 10 seconds in the neighbors yard.
11:30 – A $10 antique chair is broken which Mike says “Just bill me, dammit”.
Best Men Ben and Joe finally lay the beast down to sleep sometime between 11:30 and 1am when this reporter finally fell asleep after watching Family Guy on TV.

Sunday

8:30 am Apparently Bob the Cat made the trip. The sunglasses that he lifted from Ben were found on the kitchen table while several attendees reported feeling Sunday morning like a cat shat in their mouths. Bob had no comment.
10 am. Mike leaves to head home to his new life, but takes a page out of his hero Ronnie Reagan’s playbook: If you can’t remember what happened you have nothing to apologize for.

The Hippo’s Ass will continue to bring you further news on this breaking story as it becomes available.

If you have a story from last weekend that you would like to report, please send it to the Hippo’s Ass

Poker Dawgs Declare this the Year of the Tight End.

Fresh from his loss to the Dirty Diapers, Poker Dawgs owner Todd prophesized that this might be the year of the Tight End. “Brian is 2-0 going into the third week of play. He has a frickin TE on his team.” Big Head Todd said that next year he was going to draft all TE. After his .5 point loss in the first week, Todd has a new found respect for the Tight End. “Even though the best TE is rated #27 on the list of Wide Receivers, they are #1 in my book.” When asked about his Tight End Draft strategy, O.P.P owner Brian stated, “I drafted Tight Ends? Who the *&#@ did that for me?” Other league owners had this to say, “Who the $%@& is Todd?”

League Owners Spice Up Their Teams

This year, not only is it about Tight Ends but now owners are looking to add Style and Flair to boost performance. That’s why the league hired one the host’s of TLC’s What Not To Wear to give some advice on Style and Flair. Clinton Kelly,

Its not who you have on your team, its how the other team says, Damn you got a nice Tight End. Here is some tips to add Flair and Style to your team:

Rhinestone thong athletic supporters. Centers never get any attention. When the QB puts his hands under your ass to get your ball, show him you care. Rhinestone thong athletic supporters provide the needed protection, yet show off your wild side.

Cashmere sweaters. Not only do they look and feel great, but they allow you to use the line, "Touch my chest, you fox, and tell me it isn't heaven. I dare you." (actual quote)

Fridge Magnet Item of the Week.

Hal, you’re doing a heck of a job!

League owners suggested that this year’s Commish “Brownie” Hal, should stick a copy of the league rules on his fridge after a string of missteps over the past two weeks that included:
* A lock out involving several teams.
* Misplaced players
* Confusion over the rules
* Misappropriation of league funds
* Leaky Dykes

“I don’t want to play the Blame Game,” said Hal. "I’m a problem solver. I solve problems." Hal, a team owner who specialized in head liners for Jeeps, denied rumors that he was in line to be president of the Arabian Horses Owners of America.

A Kessler’s Moment

Someone who is truly having a heck of a year fishing is our own Big Man Justin who caught his second consecutive fish up on Lake Lancer this past weekend. Truly a Kessler’s moment. (The fish is the one in the middle)



The Other Cheek

The Hippo’s Ass award last week goes to Beastie Tool of Rage. Hurricane force winds were blamed for the poor performance netting the team only 63 points. Team owner Mark E. was quoted as saying, “Screw this place, I’m moving to Galveston.”

Last week's Top team was the Canadian Dirty Diapers who left skid marks all over the Poker Dawgs. “That’s what Todd gets for not letting me listen to the Lions post game on the way home from the cabin,” said Justin.

Please visit the other blogs on our link list. Especially Evatt. Every time you visit his Blog, and angel gets his wings!

Word on the street is that there will be a Joe Van Greek column next week.

EXCELSIOR!

The Hippo’s Ass
September 9, 2005 Vol. 6 Issue 2

Our Top Story


Dirty Diapers Deny Doping

In a surprise move, Dirty Diapers owner Justin announced that he is withdrawing from this year’s Fall Fishing Trip.

After catching his first fish on the Spring Trip, the Dirty Diapers owner quietly withdrew under a cloud of suspicion. French Newspapers are printing a story that states Justin used performance enhancing drugs to land his fish.

“That’s an out right lie”, announced Justin, “maybe I soaked my bait overnight in a little WD40, who doesn’t. But I certainly did not use any drugs that I am aware of. Besides, I used my Boerichter to catch that fish. My Boerichter bends, but it never breaks.”

Justin then went on to further surprise the Blue Hippo League by announcing that he may move his team to Toronto. “The new stadium will be in full view of the CN tower.” Justin then showed a photo of the future site of the Dirty Diapers (or Double D) Stadium.


Hippo’s Ass Rated NWF

It has come to the attention of the Editor of the HA that many team owners are sharing the HA with their wives. While “we” at the Hippo’s Ass firmly believe in the Freedom of Information Act, “we” believe that much of what “we” write will probably be taken out of “context”. As a result, the HA will now carry a new rating of NWF (Not Wife Friendly)

There was also concern that significant others would be able to check your History files and see what your were looking at. Therefore, starting next week, the Hippos Ass will have a password encryption to allow viewing of the HA. An alternate site, The Hippos Happy Playhouse will feature “Wife Friendly” features that you can show the old ball and chain.

Timmy Chang to Thong Song

The suspense was killing most of the owners who cared to show up at last week’s draft. With the 18th and final pick for his team, Thong Song owner Dave took a inexcusable amount of time to make his selection.

The delay in the process upset this years Commish, Hal, who for the first time all evening, did something Commish-like and yelled at the Thong Song owner: “For the fifteen minutes now,you've just been droning on withnames. "Toby...Toby...Toby...Toby Wong...Toby Wong...Toby Chung Timmy Chang...fuckin Charlie Chan. I got Madonna's big boerichter outta my right ear, and Timmy Jap I-don't-know-what, outta my left. Pick already!”

Thong Song, in a bid to become the first all Asian Fantasy Football Team, picked Timmy Chang. Chang, temped by a Cowboy hat wearing Hootie, was on his way to the local Burger King, but had this to say about finally being drafted: "No more yankie my wankie. The Chang need food.”

Bob the Six-fingered Cat Fingers a Few Items

It was reported after last weeks Draft that Bob the Polydactyl cat of DPR Owner Scott had stolen a few items while owners were stuffing themselves with White Fat Dip. The thefts were discovered when a wife of one of the owners, was sneaking into history files and came across Bob Kitty Porno site called Polydactyl Pussies. The site features a live web cam feed of Bob the cat, wearing sunglasses and “trimming” himself with a pair of fingernail clippers.

Fridge Magnet Item of the Week.

Do you have unused Fridge Magnets? Is the front of your fridge blank, vacant of any shopping lists, cute pictures of friends’ kids, expired pizza coupons? Our new feature will give you helpful, useful informational items suitable for posting on your refrigerator…with a magnet...if you have one…even if it was home-made…with love.

This week’s Fridge Magnet Item:

Tiger, donkey. Whatever. A restaurant in northeastern China that advertised illegal tiger meat dishes was found instead to be selling donkey flesh _ marinated in tiger urine, a newspaper reported Thursday. The Hufulou restaurant, located beside the Heidaohezi tiger reserve near the city of Hailin, had advertised stir-fried tiger meat with chilies for $98, as well as liquor flavored with tiger bone for $74 a bottle, the China Daily reported.


A Kessler’s Moment

There is a little bit of New Orleans in many of us. I’ve been to the Big Easy at least six times, two of those with a few of you guys. I know others of you have been there also.

After watching the events of the last two weeks unfold, I couldn’t help but think back at some of those moments we shared. I tried to think of one moment that was a true Kessler’s moment, but alas, they are all worthy of a shot. I know in my heart that one day, in the not so distant future, New Orleans will be back.

For now, here are some of my favorite Kessler’s moments in a toast to New Orleans, Laissez faire bon temp roulez!

(Last Day of Spring Break)
Scott: According to this map, we could stop off in New Orleans on the way home.
Mark: Hey Brent, grab your stuff, we’re going to Bourban Street
Brent: Cool

Cabbage Fights in the Irish Quarter

They (Two middle aged women) just want to go to the house of Blues, I would have been in the house of hurt in the morning.

Sonny Bono in the St. Josephs Day Parade

It’s awful dark down this end of Bourban Street. I don’t see any girls in any of these bars….

Getting a mild case of food poisoning and having to stop off at each bar to take a crap. Oysters are supposed to make you horny, not make you shit.

Cute Girl: Wanna Dance?
Joe: No

Never insult the NOLA bartenders by telling them the Hurricane drinks are weak.

A Dennis Rodman Drag Queen

Hey, that looks like Mark Dziatciak….It is Mark!

Now THAT’S a unique smell.

I thought Van Wormer was with you?

Hey…I’m in a topless bar with my mother?!?!?!?

Joe: Can I have a Kiss?
Different Cute Girl :No
Joe: Then I guess a Fuck is out of the question.

Crawfish, Alligator Tail, Goblets of Beer, Oysters, and Dirty Rice for dinner.

Chickory Coffee and Beignets at Café du Monde in the morning.

We found you near the “other” end of Bourban Street talking to a very large masculine woman. She had an Adam’s apple.


The Other Cheek

Keeping the dream alive, Brian, owner of the FFL team When Pigs Fly, missed his fourth consecutive Fantasy Football Draft. He has not attended a draft since he had it at his apartment.

After a fine dinner that DPR owner Scott prepared at his house, and after paying Chris for the website registration, and watching Joe, Chris and Scott help with Phone-in draft picks, and soon after Joe kept track of all draft picks, and Ben contemplated his Boerichter… the league congratulated Hal on a fantastic start to being Commish this year. “I try,” said the humble Hal. The Loonies in the Grass owner is rumored to be the future head of FEMA.

DPR owner Scott refused to answer to rumors that he had a feather snatched from his mouth by a man in tights waving his two balls around. Chris couldn’t confirm the rumor because apparently he was getting Pressed by a wench at the time. There is also no truth to the rumor that the first incident will soon be available on DVD for the low low price of $9.99 plus S&H.

EXCELSIOR!

THE HIPPO'S ASS

Friday, August 26, 2005 VOl 6 Issue 1

Special Pre-Draft Edition

Stalemate Stalls! Draft Date Decided!

The Blue Hippo Fantasy Football League has reached an agreement, finally, as to the when and where the Draft will be held this year.

The Draft will be held on Saturday, August 27th at 5pm at the home of DPR owner, Scott T.

The crisis arose when last year's Commish, Ben M., threatened to withhold cash rewards from last season until a new commish, and a date and place for this year's draft were chosen.

However, a source close to the Hippo's Ass has stated that Ben M. didn't have the money and spent it all on his addiction to Taco Bell's new Crunchwrap Supreme.

"Ben called me one night and started ranting how something was quote "good to go" when asked about last year's money", said the secret source who refused to be named on the fear of retaliation.

A memo from Detroit Mag Lite's Director of Information, Carl Rove stated that, "Mike R better shut his trap about last year's Commish." Mag Lite owner Brian denied his staff was involved in a money for police protection scam and also denied that police officers escorted last year's Commish around in a brand new Ford Taurus.

In other related new, all it took was a smirk from Hal to get elected as this year's BHFFL Commish. When asked about his "quiet" non-campaign for Commish, Hal said "Quote me as saying I was misquoted".

Meanwhile, The Beastie Tool of Rage accepted a offer from another state to move thier franchise to the east Coast. "Fantasy Football is big here in South Carolina" said team owner Mark E. "I thought he moved to North Carolina" said Loonies on the Grass owner Hal. Mark E. replied, "North Carolina, South Carolina, Nevada, its all pretty much the same here on the coast."

Ronnie Rayguns owner Ben came under fire recently when it was learned that he cried like a littel baby after reading the new Harry Potter book. The Six Sigma Black Belt quickly replied to the stinging tabloid story:

"I was reading the last chapter with my wife, and for pretty much the entire hour I was welling up, fighting it off. At one point she noticed and said it was ok to let it out, it's ok for men to cry. So when she brought me a sandwich with mayo (I'm allergic) I punched her in the stomach and choked her a little, thus re-establishing my manhood."

Bridge Hits the Mark

Duckett's Charge owner Mark A. stated last week that he is considering changing his team's name to the Grosse Ille Trolls.

"Trolls live under a bridge, and soon so shall I" said the disgruntled property owner.

A large multi lane super bridge to and from Canada will be built directly over his home. "The number 8 pier will be situated directly in the middle of our living room", said Mark.

Some are pleased with the new plans, Yaks owner Justin R. stated that he is currently negotiating with Mark to place a large trash bin on the roof of the house. "I'm hoping to soon have a place to throw my empty Tim Horton's coffee cups as I cross the bridge", said Justin.

ASK DR. GARY

Dear Dr. Gary,

Now that I am a father and my boy is quickly growing to be a man, I am concerned that he may not be playing for the right team if you know what I mean. What I'm trying to ask, is, Is My Child Becomming a Homosexual?

Signed, A BHFFL Dad who asked that his name be withheld,

Dear Dad,

Now that many of you are multiplying at the rate of Rabbits, this particular article is funny, useful AND TRUE!. Feel free to clip and post on your refrigerator using Brian's handy Save-The-Date-Magnet. It comes from the Focus on the Family Website.

It’s not uncommon for children to experience gender confusion during the elementary school years. Dr. Joseph Nicolosi reports, “In one study of 60 effeminate boys ages 4 to 11, 98 percent of them engaged in cross-dressing, and 83 percent said they wished they had been born a girl.”
Evidences of gender confusion or doubt in boys ages 5 to 11 may include:

1. A strong feeling that they are “different” from other boys.

2. A tendency to cry easily, be less athletic, and dislike the roughhousing that other boys enjoy.

3. A persistent preference to play female roles in make-believe plays.

4. A strong preference to spend time in the company of girls. (Ed: Who doesn't? Paging Hugh Hefner...)

5. A susceptibility to be bullied by other boys, who may tease them unmercifully and call them “queer,” “fag” and “gay.” (Ed: This describes every typical playground in the U.S.)

6. A tendency to walk, talk, dress and even “think” effeminately. (Ed: Brian, maybe you should be in the Thought Police)

If your boy resembles any of the above statements, you now need to know:

How to Prevent Homosexuality in my Child
In his outstanding book Preventing Homosexuality: A Parent’s Guide, clinical psychologist Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D., offers these guidelines:

1. Don’t worry about the occasional cross-gender behavior of your preschool child. ( Ed Note: ?????)

2. Become concerned if you see evidences of gender confusion or doubt in your child from ages 5 to 11. “[T]here is a high correlation between feminine behavior in boyhood and adult homosexuality.”

3. Recognize that most homosexuals “were not explicitly [so] when they were children. More often, they displayed a ‘nonmasculinity’ that set them painfully apart from other boys: unathletic — somewhat passive, unaggressive and uninterested in rough-and-tumble play. A number of them had traits that could be considered gifts: bright, precocious, social and relational, and artistically talented.” (Ed: Sooooo...if your boy is a very social person who likes to draw or is inclined to a musical instrument and gets good grades at school while being very popular, HE'S GAYER AS CLAY AIKEN!)

Thong Song Hopes to Boost Lagging Attendance

Following on the heels of candy-flavored cigarettes and kiddie deodorant, Thong Song owner Dave has signed a Japanese vendor that is marketing a nonalcoholic drink it calls Kidsbeer:

"Even kids cannot stand life unless they have a drink," said Dave, "Children copy and mimic adults. If you get this drink ready on such occasions as events and celebrations attended by kids, it would make the occasions even more entertaining.

All of a sudden those free pre-teen tampons give-a-way nights at the ol’ball park are starting to sound realistic after all...

Kesslers Moment

Sometimes in life, whether it’s netting a large fish, or having a bad day at the office, we all have that one particular moment where we are badly in need of a shot of Kesslers. That’s why each week this season, the HA will feature, for good or for bad, a Kesslers Moment, with the hopes you toast it along with the rest of us.

This week’s Kessler’s Moment comes from DPR owner and HA Blog Editor Scott who moonlights as a fundraiser. He received the following actual reply to a recent Annual Fund request for a donation:

Dear XXXXXX

YOU CUT OFF MY LEFT LEG INSTEAD OF MY RIGHT AND THEN ASK FOR MONEY!

YOU HAVE BALLS IF NOTHING ELSE!

(UNSIGNED)

OOPS! We did it again!

We here at the Hippo’s Ass make every effort to provide correct, factual information. Sometimes, mistakes occur, after all, we are only human and if millions of years of evolution has taught us anything, its that things can change. (except in Kansa where things just go POOF! and appear) Therefore we offer the following corrections to this week’s HA BLOG.

In the article “Bridge Hits the Mark”, Mark’s team was incorrectly identified. It should have read “ The Luke Sky-Auger All-Stars”

In the article concerning the Draft Date Controversy, Detroit Mag Lites have changed their name. Its now, The O.P.P. A thank you to Black Belt Ben who pointed out our mistake and will receive a free Save-The-Date Magnet for his refrigerator.

In the section about Pat Robertson, even though we have him recorded on tape as saying the US should assassinate Hugo Chavez, apparently what he “really” said was “take out” which could mean “take out Hugo Chavez like we take out the trash or take him out to a nice dinner and some dancing”.

In the Ask Dr. Gary letter, the letter signer was mis-identified. It should have read: Signed, Dirty Diapers Owner Justin (who took a shot at the editor of this BLOG and now reaps what he sows)

Correction II. Apparently Pat Robertson now apologizes for saying what he previously said he did not say, saying the original was taken out of context because its not what he said. Also, Tinky Winky is still gay…as is Clay Aiken.

The Other Cheek

Please bring $5 for food on Saturday. And BYOB. Apparently we squandered any extra cash on a pay-for-play site when we could have gotten it for free.

Apparently I like the word apparently.

Please visit our other Blog Links. Evatt is pretty funny sometimes. I wish he would write something funny for the HA, but thats another matter. The Literary Angler will feature some short stories I am currently writing. The first part of a short story is currently up. Feel free to comment. If you are interested in a litany of bad date stories and what not to do with a date's hair, visit JVM's blog titled: JVB

As always, your contributions are most welcome. Its saves me time to actually do my job.

Till Next Time Campers, Its been a Hoot-N-A-Holler!

Excelsior!